Housekeeping? Housekeeping.

After waffling back and forth about whether or not to archive my old blog and start a new one (it felt like throwing away a lot of memories), stop blogging altogether (but I have sooo much material waiting to be loosed upon the world), or do "something" with my existing site to make it fun for me again (it felt so clunky forever and I had gotten in the habit of heading over to Twitter or Tumblr when I have something to say), I picked door number three.

This is my toe in, re-introduction, new beginning, the opening of the floodgates (I like that one the best). It's been three years since I've blogged on a regular basis, and I want to thank my friends Angie Mizzell, Aleigh Acerni, Doretha Walker and all of the blogs in my reader (so many) for inspiring me and inspiring me and inspiring me once more. I've been testing the waters for a long time and I'm ready to get my hair wet (and if you know me well, you understand that this is kind of a big deal because me getting my hair wet in a chlorinated kiddie pool is equal to most other people diving from a high cliff into the ocean).

If you're reading this post in a reader, you are probably confused. Click over to my blog and see the "something" I did with my site. I'd love your feedback, even if you just want to throw out the spirit fingers (Angie). And since the actual work on my part was choosing a designer, let me add that Carrie of CarrieLovesDesign.com is responsible for all of sexiness up in here.

So with renewed vigor and enthusiasm, let the navel-gazing commence! 

Tell me something good...*

Despite the fact that I am actively pursuing positivity (i.e. not hanging out with people who bring me down, not listening to the little voice in my head that worries all the time, not reading sad books or listening to any of my numerous sad songs playlists), I just had to let some of the negativity loose. My top 10 list of things that piss me off:

1. People who keep sending me DC-based political job listings. I was communications director for one congressional campaign and, while I did a really good job for my candidate, I chose to work for the campaign because of the candidate and her positions, not because I had a dream to one day work for low wages in politics. I love you, but please stop with the DC job listing email forwards. I don't want to move to DC, especially not for 50K a year.

2. The chatty guy who works behind the counter at CVS who thinks it is appropriate to tell me I look tired, that I look that I've had a long day, etc. He's done it three times already. I work from home. Some days that means I don't wear makeup. I also have to walk my dog, which means I am often sweaty, covered in sunscreen, and wearing a ball cap to hide dirty hair. Also, I am over 30 and an insomniac, so I frequently suffer from puffy eye syndrome. None of this is CVS guy's business. And it doesn't make my day. Also? I never hear him say things like that to men. Don't comment on my appearance unless you think I look fantastic.

3. The former friend I haven't spoken to in five years sending me a friend request through Facebook (no note, just the friend request). There are better ways to get in touch after time has passed and this is not one of them. My email address has been the same since 1997. My cell number has been the same since 2000.

4. People who keep asking me to do shit for free, like they believe since I'm working from home I have all this time on my hands. I don't mind giving advice, volunteering, etc., but I do have a limit. And really my pet peeve here isn't doing something pro bono, it's the lack of reciprocity. I have literally reached out for help to people for whom I have bent over backwards for years for, and was left with my hand outstretched and not even a kind word. I could give you some fine examples, but would rather not name names. Instead, I will share my Note from the Universe that I received this morning:
"There will always be people in your life, Kelly Love, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter."

5. People who keep trying to engage me in conversation about things in celebrity gossip magazines. I do not care about those people with a bunch of kids, octo-mom or whatever her name is, anyone from The Hills, Housewives of Whatever, or reality television in general. I realize these are like crack to some people and that's just fine. I don't want to hear about them. The only reality shows I watch are on the Food Network , Animal Planet, and the Travel Channel. If that makes me a TV snob, so be it.

6. My douchebag neighbor who keeps parking his douchey boat and douchey truck on the side street of my house. It wouldn't be so bad if his douchey boat didn't LEAK GASOLINE INTO MY YARD. Also? I had four of my OTHER neighbors knock on my door to ask me if it was MY boat (seriously?!) because they were pissed about the gasoline smell. Someone called DHEC on him. It might have been me. If it wasn't me, I wish I'd thought of it.

7. Random neighbors (including douchey boat guy's girlfriend) stopping by to ask (a) if I have wi-fi and (b) if I will give them my password. One even offered me $20 a month to ride my wireless internet access. Wow - I pay $65 a month for internet access and you want to give me $20 a month to slow it down? No thanks and you have very large balls just for asking. My standard response is "I don't feel comfortable with that" (and then I raise an eyebrow to make my "and I don't care if you think I'm a bitch" face).

8. Some effed up show on the History Channel called "Life After People" I accidentally watched while flipping channels during a bout of insomnia. Dude, I am neurotic enough on my own. I ended up taking a Xanax at 3am just to be able to get back to sleep after watching just 10 minutes of this show. And I still can't get the images of feral dogs rummaging through cities out of my head.

9. People who respond to my listing on Roommates.com that are either complete freaks or arrange a time to meet and never show up or call me back. And the ones who are surprised that I'm actually "interviewing" potential roommates. Just trying to weed out the racists, homophobes, rednecks, and serial killers. I don't think that's too much to ask.

10. People who murder in the name of religion. I worry that Dr. Tiller's murder might indicate a return to some of the anti-choice violence we saw in the early and mid-90s. Also, it's been a long time since I've been to church, but I'm pretty sure "thou shalt not kill" is still included in the Ten Commandments. Some of the discourse and reporting about Tiller's murder scares me.

With all of this, let me add some positive things:
* My BFF and I came up with a great idea for a book that we're going to work on together - no details until I have a contract, but it's a good one.
* I noticed that one of my neighbors listens to books on CD when she's working in her yard, so I stopped by and gave her Tom Perrotta's Little Children on CD that I've had forever. She returned it the following week with some lovely chocolate pound cake.
* I have season 4 of Weeds on DVD.
* I'm as busy as I want to be.
* I have some really great friends who can make me laugh even when I am in a funk.

*Song by Rufus & Chaka Khan

Now it's your turn to help me on my quest for living a positive and balanced life. Tell me something good. Tell me that you love me. Tell me what you do love (even if it's celebrity gossip...I'll forgive you). Post a link to some good news. Tell me you're the one who called DHEC on my douchey neighbor. Tell me how great I look without makeup and with puffy eyes. Give me the name brand of sunscreen 60SPF or higher that won't make me look like I've rolled in Crisco. Just tell me.

Behold...

This was my old computer background. Margaret suggested that its discordant colors and cacophonous design might be contributing to my general ill humor. It basically shouts, "be peaceful, dammit!" I'm taking any and all suggestions right now so I decided to change it.

This is the new one. It is a photo I took of the sunset on the marsh during a bike ride. It reminds me of riding my bike and it does seem to make me feel calmer. Because I have been in front of one computer screen or another for way too many days in a row now.

I'll let you know if it works.

If this week was musical theater...

The production's poster would have a picture of me sitting up in bed in the dark with a digital clock that says "3:42 am."

There would be a song called "don't let the bastards get you down" and one called "you're going to have dreams about that particular ex forever." The dramatic monologue would relate to not changing to please anyone (if I could get the rights I'd also use the song "Don't Go Changin'" by Billy Joel but I would remix it into a disco version) and I'd be wearing sky blue underwear during the entire production and that would mean something to be analyzed later by a college drama class.

There would be a character playing Freud (with beautifully resonant singing voice) who would explain to my character via song that I should not pull a Frances Farmer and get an icepick lobotomy just so the ex won't keep re-appearing in my subconscious and ruining what could have been a very decent night's sleep. Because the ex doesn't stand for the ex, he stands for something else that I'd like to change about my life right now. Freud is crazy smart.

The dream sequence would not have an actual person playing my ex, but instead he will be played by a series of spotlights and a disembodied voice. Hillary Clinton makes an appearance (played by Amy Poehler) to explain that some relationships are based on love and trust and others are business arrangements. My character agrees with this, but only because she is currently reading The Fountainhead ("yes, Ms. Clinton, he was the Roark to my Dominique...").

The song at the end would be something gorgeous sung by Jennifer Holliday (yeah, I said Holliday and NOT Hudson because I want the original Dream Girl). And everyone will cry as they leave the theater, but mostly because they're happy that everything turned out OK.

Things that I am today...

Disturbed by dark movie hangover: I watched both The King and Reign Over Me in one day this weekend. Both were good enough to get a Netflix 5 stars from me, but The King was disturbing enough to keep me fixated on it for a while.

Irritated with new Blogger design tools and my other web site in general. I had to take the graphics down because Blogger keeps screwing with the code. I don't mean to be all "I hate change" about it, but the old Blogger code was so much easier.

Tired because I woke up at 1:30 am because I had a (giant, malovent, Palmetto) bug ON MY ARM. Flinging it off woke me up, but hunting it down and killing it and leaving its carcass in the hall for the others to see and fear because I CANNOT GO TO SLEEP IF A BUG IS IN MY ROOM invoked an adrenalin rush that kept me awake until almost 3:30am. Insomniacs loooove 3:30am.

Optimistic that I'll meet my health goals for the year. I feel positive about this for the first time in a long time. And I'm not just saying that so this doesn't turn into a Bitch List.

Fortunate. I feel this way most days. And most days I have to remind myself.

Prosperous. Just puttin' it out there.

AND excited because Kris Carr is going to be on Oprah today (with my Current Very Favorite Person, Dr. Mehmet Oz). Kris's book was the first to come out under the Skirt! Books imprint (mine is the last one in 2007) and I'll ride those publicity coattails quite happily. Besides that, she's just an amazing person and has touched a lot of lives with her film and book. Today. 4 o'clock. Be there or be square.

Because I wanted it to look that way...

I think if you're over 30 and do something different...or, let's say, unnatural...to your hair, people think you're mental.

I am not mental; it's just that my brain won't age with the rest of me. It still thinks we're a teenager. A teenager who likes to f*ck with her hair.

My most recent hair experiment: Dark brown with Manic Panic "Vampire Red" underneath. I won't bore you with how many trips to the stylist this required and how much work it will be to maintain, but I will share some of the comments I've gotten.

My mother: "That looks (pause) interesting. I mean NICE. I meant nice."
My sister: "It must be nice to not have to worry about what people think of you."
My boss: "I liked it better red all over."
My 3-year-old niece: "What's in your hair?"
The guys who moved in my new sofas: "Cool hair."

Here's the thing: I don't want to grow up. I like changing my hair. I don't want to be conventional. I don't care what other people think. Life is too short not to put vegetable dye in your hair.

Dreaming is free...

Those of you who know me know that I hate it when people tell me about their dreams (unless I'm in them) so I usually don't share mine with others, but since I've been having a string of strange nocturnal visions this week I thought I'd share one in hopes of clearing the clutter.

I got a giant tattoo on my forearm (!), but it was done with special glitter ink that only showed up under a black light. It was a bunch of swirls and stars in light blue. I was just about to get another one on my neck when one of my exes showed up to tell me how stupid I was. And then he wanted to get back together. I told him he wasn't the boss of me and asked the tattoo artist to use black ink on the neck tattoo instead of the invisible ink.

Even in my dreams, I'm a bad girlfriend. Bad ex-girlfriend. Whatever.

The next tattoo...

won't happen until I finish my book and re-hire my cleaning lady and maybe my shrink and I actually have groceries in my house and my life settles down a bit. I thought the next one on my wrist would be another star or something like that, but Aleigh and I have been discussing interesting Latin phrases one might want tattooed on oneself. For example:
Magister Mundi sum! (I am the Master of the Universe!) and (thank God I wasn't old enough to get tattooed in the 80s) Fac me cocleario vomere! (Gag me with a spoon!). Top of the list right now: Audio, video, disco (translates as "I hear, I see, I learn," but what I really like is that most people won't know it is Latin).


This is my current wrist tattoo. I will be adding to it. Ideas are welcome.

Stuff and nonsense...

I'm not sure if it's the endorphins from yoga or the Happy Baby Pose that makes me laugh so hard in the middle of yoga class. This also happens to be my friend Katie's favorite yoga pose.

I want a Mr. Bento, even though I rarely bring lunch in such an organized fashion. My lunch usually consists of a pop top can of low sodium, low fat, Italian Wedding Soup (I love to pick out the little meatballs) or a chicken breast. I feel like I would create healthy, extravagant lunches if I had Mr. Bento. At the least, I could just take pictures of what I put into Mr. Bento.

Tearwater tea is very good for us, according to Owl at Home. Although, The Pig not having the healthy low sodium, low fat, only-kind-of-soup I like on the shelf is not on the list, so bursting into tears on the soup aisle this week was probably inappropriate.

I was so close to returning that fussy shirt/dress I bought at Target on impulse last week that it was in the bag with the receipt until this morning, when I decided to wear it. I'm glad I didn't take it back.

Last night I dreamed that Nora Ephron called and wanted to take me to lunch because she read my blog and thought I needed a reality check. I did just finish reading her latest book. I think it's because she seems like she wouldn't put up with (my) whiny crap, plus she's dealt with a lot more in her life than I have to date. I do not know what a reality check with Ms. Ephron would consist of, but I was looking forward to it.

I'm hoping to make roller-skating my regular Thursday evening activity now that the light lasts longer and it won't feel so late at 6:30.

Positivity, people! I'm full of it today. Take that any way you'd like.