The funny thing is...

Even when you stopped allowing the men in your life to break your heart, the thing that surprised you most was that it could still be broken — by Life, by Loss, by Things Outside of Your Control. Sometimes they didn’t just leave you and go somewhere else; sometimes they really left you and everything else in this world. When that happened, there was no ex. There was no second act, no breakup sex, and no opportunity to wait for him to come crawling back just so you could turn him away one last time.

Instead, you were left begging under the weight of the universe, asking Providence for one more chance, calling Fate at three o’clock in the morning to sob your heart out.

You did what a lot of girls do; you tried to move on. You went out nearly every night, hoping to run into Divine Intervention, or even Chance or Fortune—you weren’t picky then.

But no matter how alluring, no matter how charming, no matter how hard you tried to conceal your desperation, you brought evening after evening to a close with Grief.

Music memories...

"Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes brought high school back in a rush of Southern Comfort, Doc Martens, thrift store sweaters, dyeing black streaks into my hair, driving to Savannah for tattoos, crushes on boys who wore ripped jeans and plaid...I haven't thought of this song in years. Usually "Blister in the Sun" or "Add It Up" take up my frontal lobe recall.



Oddly, it was a syndicated episode of "How I Met Your Mother" during which Marshall and Lily crash a prom to find their wedding band that reminded me of this song. Lily asked the band to play "their song" (and cut to flashback about their song, etc. etc.).

More downloads to add to my iTunes...

Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try...

Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy a little wallowing from time to time. I have so many "wallow mix" playlists (all with a slightly different nuance) that even I have a hard time keeping them straight. I've tweeted about how much I love the soundtrack for "Crazy Heart," particularly Ryan Bingham's "The Weary Kind." The first few times I heard it, I wasn't really listening to the lyrics. I haven't even seen the movie yet. I just knew it made me feel stronger when I needed to feel stronger.

And then a couple of weeks ago, I listened - really listened - to the lyrics. Excerpt:

Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind

You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don’t feel like home anymore

And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try...

I realized why it worked for me, even subliminally. I had been going through a period of adjustment for a long time. I couldn't afford to fall apart. As much as I wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep all day and night, to go over the edge, to give in to my self-destructive instincts, I knew I had to hold it together. And without realizing it, I was hearing that last line about picking up your crazy heart and giving it one more try. So I did.