It's the ones who aren't in my life who are running through my brain lately. I'm hoping it's just a subconscious purge and not a notification that one or another will pop up again, because there's not a single one with whom I secretly wish to rekindle/revisit/renegotiate. The following have been in my dreams/night terrors in the past couple of weeks:
* My biological father, in a Santa suit, trying to take away my legwarmers that I got for Christmas. Strangely enough, one of the first things I thought about after shaking this one off was "why couldn't I be the kind of person who has a child if I wanted to?" I don't want kids, never have. But I think a lot of it had to do with not wanting to pass along the crazy genes. Something about that dream got me thinking that I've been assuming incorrectly (for a very long time) that I am damaged just because he is. I still don't want a baby, but it's nice to know it's because I just don't and not because I'm afraid I'll screw him or her up.
* An old friend who I used to spend a lot of time with until a few years ago. I dreamed that he called me on the phone to tell me he needed "closure." I told him I'd give him all the closure he needed. "Listen," I said, and then I hung up the phone.
* A beautiful, smart, talented man I watched deteriorate emotionally and mentally until he was no longer the person I loved. In my dream, he forgave me for pushing him away because he knew I was afraid of what he had become. And to stop being so Blanche Dubois about it and that he isn't the last person who will love me. Of course, he also told me that he can still see through my eyes when he wants to and about a secret utopian society he created so he can be Lord of All Creatures there and no longer be part of the world that hurts him so much.
It all feels more like purging than torment, and a couple of these have come up as topics of conversation and/or my writing in the past couple of weeks, so it makes sense. So in a nutshell: (1) I am not f*cked up because my father is, (2) your closure is not my responsibility, and (3) I don't have to be tragic love affair girl anymore.
Thanks for listening and for being my shrinks for the week. Our 50 minutes are up, but it's been a pleasure sharing the dark cobwebs of my subconscious with you.
"I am not quite sure whether I am dreaming or remembering, whether I have lived my life or dreamed it. Just as dreams do, memory makes me profoundly aware of the unreality, the evanescence of the world, a fleeting image in the moving water."