I spent the better part of the weekend acting like a five-year-old with my friend Charlie. At one point on Saturday night, I called my mother (who is a shrink) for assistance.
Me: Mom, do cats give people schizophrenia?
Me: DO CATS GIVE PEOPLE SCHIZOPHRENIA?
Mom: Who told you that?
Me: My friend Charlie.
Mom: (sounds disgusted) No, cats cannot give people schizophrenia.
Me: Are you sure?
Mom: They don't know what causes it for sure, but I think we can definitely rule out viral transmission. And cats.
Me: Charlie is SUCH a liar. I almost believed him.
Charlie-in-the-background: Kelly is SUCH a b*tch. Look it up online!
Mom: Does he need a referral?
Me: No, we're good.
Mom: Are you drinking?
Me: I'M not.
And that was pretty much that. Except after Charlie went home, I Googled it and apparently there is a theory that cats can give you a virus that causes brain lesions that cause schizophrenia. A crackpot theory, but a theory nonetheless.
I guess I need to break the news to my mom so she can pass it on to her cat-owning patients. And maybe apologize to my friend for being an asshole.