Microfamous

Baby I Love Your Way
Since the nephew is a month old today, I thought this would be a good time to post everything I learned in the past four weeks:

1. Babies want to eat every two hours. Even at night. Even when you're sleeping. Even when you don't want to get up.

2. I screamed for real the first time he "made a poopie" in his diaper when I was holding him, because I could feel it on my arm. The times I screamed after that were just for effect.

3. Taking a baby out of the house is a task I'd put right up there with backpacking in the Himalayas without a Sherpa.

4. Too few public restrooms have baby changing stations...you know, where we used to put our Orange Julius and shopping bags while smoking in the mall bathroom.

5. I used to think that when you have a baby, you just pop them in a snuggle sack and carry them around on your chest. Or put them in your pocket and feed them a goldfish cracker once in a while. Apparently, babies are not Tamagotchi.

6. Babies are the highest of high maintenance creatures, ranking just above Jennifer Lopez. They have accessories: bag, car seat, stroller weighing over 45 lbs., all which must be lugged from place to place, repeatedly disassembled and reassembled. This is why so many women with infants drive huge SUVs.

7. I am not one of those aunts who thinks everything the nephew does is cute and fabulous. For instance, he cries every time his diaper is changed. My question: "Hasn't he gotten used to it after the, I don't know, TWENTY times a day or so you change him??"

8. Speaking of changing diapers: I can't do it. My sister thinks her baby's poo smells like wasabi, which I may never be able to eat again just from her saying that. What it really smells like is extraordinarily foul cheese (you have to know that I gagged a little while writing that last sentence). On the other hand, my sister thinks nothing of putting her nose near his ass to smell if he needs a-changin'.

9. I am the wrong person to leave alone with the baby. That's why he got baby barf - sorry, "spit up" - in his eye.

10. I was pretty sure I'd love him, but I didn't know I'd cry on the drive home because I missed him. Or that I would call my sister and ask her to put the phone next to him so I could hear the little noises he makes.

Don't start thinking I'm getting all sentimental. While I love the Sweet Baboo (yeah, that's my nickname for him...don't make fun, bitches), it doesn't mean I'm going to start cooing over babies at the grocery store. And I still hate going to Baby World or Baby Universe or whateverthehell that store is. Babies, baby supplies, baby accoutrements = bor-hor-hor-hor-ring.