Monday, February 07, 2005

Baby I Love Your Way
Since the nephew is a month old today, I thought this would be a good time to post everything I learned in the past four weeks:

1. Babies want to eat every two hours. Even at night. Even when you're sleeping. Even when you don't want to get up.

2. I screamed for real the first time he "made a poopie" in his diaper when I was holding him, because I could feel it on my arm. The times I screamed after that were just for effect.

3. Taking a baby out of the house is a task I'd put right up there with backpacking in the Himalayas without a Sherpa.

4. Too few public restrooms have baby changing stations...you know, where we used to put our Orange Julius and shopping bags while smoking in the mall bathroom.

5. I used to think that when you have a baby, you just pop them in a snuggle sack and carry them around on your chest. Or put them in your pocket and feed them a goldfish cracker once in a while. Apparently, babies are not Tamagotchi.

6. Babies are the highest of high maintenance creatures, ranking just above Jennifer Lopez. They have accessories: bag, car seat, stroller weighing over 45 lbs., all which must be lugged from place to place, repeatedly disassembled and reassembled. This is why so many women with infants drive huge SUVs.

7. I am not one of those aunts who thinks everything the nephew does is cute and fabulous. For instance, he cries every time his diaper is changed. My question: "Hasn't he gotten used to it after the, I don't know, TWENTY times a day or so you change him??"

8. Speaking of changing diapers: I can't do it. My sister thinks her baby's poo smells like wasabi, which I may never be able to eat again just from her saying that. What it really smells like is extraordinarily foul cheese (you have to know that I gagged a little while writing that last sentence). On the other hand, my sister thinks nothing of putting her nose near his ass to smell if he needs a-changin'.

9. I am the wrong person to leave alone with the baby. That's why he got baby barf - sorry, "spit up" - in his eye.

10. I was pretty sure I'd love him, but I didn't know I'd cry on the drive home because I missed him. Or that I would call my sister and ask her to put the phone next to him so I could hear the little noises he makes.

Don't start thinking I'm getting all sentimental. While I love the Sweet Baboo (yeah, that's my nickname for him...don't make fun, bitches), it doesn't mean I'm going to start cooing over babies at the grocery store. And I still hate going to Baby World or Baby Universe or whateverthehell that store is. Babies, baby supplies, baby accoutrements = bor-hor-hor-hor-ring.

5 comments:

  1. I just read this post to CF because I thought he'd like it. We laughed out loud. Seriously, can you write an essay about THIS?

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  2. Oh - and I'm really craving some sushi. WITH EXTRA WASABI.

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  3. When I was living in South Africa and my niecelet (The Bean) had finally sprung forth and I hadn't met her yet, my sister would call and leave messages on my phone of her with the hiccups or laughing. I would let all the African women on the farms listen to the baby hiccuping in America, and in my own small way, I like to think that it brought the mothers of two continents a little closer together.

    And I know exactly what you mean about the sherpa remark. Bean had to have her pack and play, her diapers, a special fan for white noise, a humidifier, stroller, five million changes of clothes, toys, car seat, bouncy seat... they'd pack up the car, and the damned dog wouldn't fit so they'd just leave him. Ridiculous. Incidentally, my neighbor calls her dog her sweet baboo. But she loves it a real real lot.

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  4. Just wait til your lil baby nephew calls you up to tell you he's gonna be in Charleston this weekend, so get ready to show him all the bars you go to...

    It'll happen sooner than you think. My boy just turned 21 three weeks ago, and I still remember like it was yesterday when I'd lay him on my stomach, and he'd gum the hell out of my nose and chin, or when I was laying on the bedroom floor watching WWF (shut up), and him yelling "HOKE HOGAM!" before jumping off the top bunk and cracking two of my ribs...

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  5. robin had to have her pack and play, her diapers, a special fan for white noise, a humidifier, stroller, five million changes of clothes, toys, car seat, bouncy seat... they'd pack up the car, and the damned dog wouldn't fit so they'd just leave him

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