Microfamous

What I'm doing right now...
Crushing candy "conversation hearts" into dust with my thumb, spreading it all over my desk, and spelling vulgar words with my finger.

What gets my knickers in a twist about Valentine's Day? People who pick this day to fixate on my being single, as if not having someone to shove an unoriginal Hallmark card and sad little box of chocolates in my face ON THIS DAY would be a FREAKING TRAGEDY.

I sound bitter...and I'm really not. I just feel like I should have the following printed on a postcard:

Dear "friend,"
I don't like to compromise and I won't settle. I've had good relationships (and some bad ones), but a sufficient number to have figured out what I do and don't want. Stop trying to make me into one of those women who bitch and whine about being single and how haaaaaaaarrrrd it is and how there are no good men out there. I'm just not that kind of girl.

There are about 40 things on my "Kelly Wants" list that come above "Boyfriend," so quit trying to fix me up with guys you wouldn't date yourself and worrying that the world might end if I don't pair off.

I don't give you the number of a divorce lawyer every time you cry about the husband staying out all night. I never told you about the time he copped a feel when I was mixing drinks in the kitchen. And I generally just try to stay out of your World of Couplehood.

Thanks for caring, but trust me, if I spend the next 50 years single, I'll have no regrets about marrying the wrong person, producing his evil spawn, then spending the next 10 years trying to scrape together enough money to divorce his ass.

Not that YOU do that.