Microfamous

Why I say "gift certificate" when people ask me what I want for Christmas...
In a weak moment, I made the mistake of telling my mother I might want knee socks (to wear with my new Frye boots) for Christmas. As a result, I had the following phone conversation with my sister Katie today:

ME: "Hithisiskelly."

SISTER: "Hey, you know those socks you told mom about? From Old Navy?"

"Yep."

"Are they trouser socks?"

"I don't wear trouser socks."

"They're knee socks?"

"Yep."

"Up to your knee?"

"Yes, that's how I'm defining knee socks."

"We don't carry those." (my sister is a manager at Old Navy).

"I just bought them two weeks ago in Charleston."

"If Hilton Head doesn't have them, none of the stores do. Are they holiday socks?"

"What, like with reindeer on them? Have you ever known me to wear holiday socks?"

"NO BUT PEOPLE CHANGE." (I'm apparently annoying her). "Did you save the receipt?"

"Of course, I have it right here." (silence)

"You do? You do not. F*cking liar. OK, can you just tell me what they're MADE out of?"

"I don't know. Sock material?"

"Clearly, you have NEVER WORKED RETAIL. Because you can't even DESCRIBE CLOTHING. You're like those women who call the store and say, 'um, yeah, I want to order a blue shirt.' I'm all 'long-sleeved or short-sleeved? slim fit or regular'? AND THEY DON'T KNOW."

"Dial it down a few notches, sister-woman. Socks is socks is socks."

"But did you tell mom they were CABLE KNIT? We don't HAVE cable knit AT ALL. What does the top of the sock look like?"

"They're dark gray. Did I already say they come up to my knee?"

"If you're just messing with me, you better tell me because I have a LOT of shopping to do and IMAGINARY SOCKS are NOT ON THE LIST."

"Maybe they're wool?"

Click.

I am not making this up. And lest you think it's ME, let me say this conversation followed one with my mother, who called from a department store to ask if I preferred 400-count Egyptian cotton to 800-count Pima cotton. Sheets. Because when I mentioned the socks, I accidentally told her I could use some new white pillowcases because I think our cleaning lady uses mine to transport heavy objects to the trash bin. And she ran with it.

So because I never ask for anything for Christmas, this year I'll probably get 50 pairs of knee socks and a lifetime supply of bed linens. Not that I'm complaining.