My horoscope practically orders me to exchange bodily fluids...

I rarely read them, but since I had to stand in line at the post office today for an hour and my Blackberry has a link to Astrology.com, I was bored enough to read my horoscope. Surprisingly, it was right on, but then it had to go and start making suggestions.

Hello, Scorpio: Okay, you're done.

It's time to finally let go of those awful feelings you've been dealing with - and even though it's Tuesday, try to do that while you're having some fun. Bet you're feeling better already, just thinking about how wonderful it will be to let go and stop worrying.

Of course, if you really want to feel better, you'll plan some quality time alone with a dear one. Really alone. Like at your place. Alone.

Granted, it does want me to spend time with a dear one. But since I don't currently have a significant whatshisface, I guess the nearest human with a Y chromosome should do. My horoscope made me feel dirty.

Maybe I should just take a very long bath this evening instead, and try to remember how sordid and guilty it made me feel to be "intimate" with someone I then wanted out of my bed (house, neighborhood, city...) before 2 a.m. Thanks to the Gods of Self Esteem those days are long since over.

Amen.