Monday, June 19, 2006
Happy Father's Day, Mommy Dearest...
I called my mom last night to wish her a happy Father's Day, just like I do every year. And she reminded me, just like she does every year, that phone calls are not gifts.
Me: Happy Father's Day! Thanks for being such a great dad.
Mom: Where's my gift?
Me: I'm calling you.
Mom: I was thinking a gas grill, or...those other things...tools?
[she's been reading the Sunday circulars in the paper, I can tell...]
Me: Yeaaaaaahhhhhh, that's not going to happen. My electric bill was eleven hundred million dollars.
Mom: Really? Because mine was twelve hundred million.
[translation: "my house is bigger than your house."]
Me: Well, since you already have my love and devotion...
[and a hundred-dollar toothbrush for mother's day a month ago...and CASH for your birthday the month before that...]
Mom: My clothes dryer is making a funny noise. I think I need a new one.
[she likes to replace broken appliances rather than have them fixed. Same goes for her cars. The last time she traded one in I think it was because it needed an oil change.]
Me: I'm not buying you a dryer. Remember the computer I bought you that "broke" and you waited a year to tell me? Or the Netflix gift subscription for DVDs that sat on your table for two months?
Mom: I use the DVD/video thingy you got me last year all the time.
Me: Yeah, to watch Jeff EFFING Foxworthy! That's an abomination.
[and Blue Collar TV, which she probably wouldn't find so funny if she'd ever actually worked a blue collar job...]
Mom: So back to my gift...
Me: I'll take you out to dinner next week. Indian?
[I'm expecting to haggle, so I start low]
Mom: So what I hear you saying is...
Me: PUHLEEEAASE, not the shrink voice.
Mom: Nevermind, I have to go. Your sister's calling. She probably has a present for me. Loveyoubye.
Me: [to dial tone] I got another tattoo while I was in NYC, by the way. Yesterday I went to the 10th anniversary of a sex shop. And sometimes when you're talking about your grandson, I pretend to listen. Love you too!
In all seriousness, my mom was a great parent, role model, mom, dad, breadwinner, educator, and therapist (for a living, not for me). Now she's a great friend (and amazing grandma to my sisters' offspring) and I wouldn't trade her for all the Joan Crawfords in the world.
Posted by Kelly Love