Wednesday, December 13, 2006

All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys...*

I know I act all cool, but I'm not. The evidence speaks for itself:

I like Rachael Ray. Apparently, according to the Internets (the comments on this post about EVOO becoming a term in the Oxford Dictionary), cool people are annoyed by Ms. Ray. I watch her Food Network shows and her talk show, read her magazine, and will buy any book she writes. Yum-o.

I used to have a rock & roll lifestyle. My current lifestyle would probably be called "Easy Listening" or "Hooked on Pan Flute." There's a cool little part of me that desperately misses my rock & roll lifestyle, but it has given up on trying to get it back.

I have a crush on the fictional character Chris in the Morning from Northern Exposure (played by John Corbett, but I do not have a crush on John Corbett. I have a crush on Chris Stevens).

Speaking of Northern Exposure, I love the show so much I'm trying to talk my friend Katie into going to Moosefest 2007 in Roslyn, WA (the real town they used for Cicely, Alaska, where the show was based).

What else? I enjoy eating Chinese food right out of the carton. I frequently stab myself accidentally with sharpened pencils. Every single episode of Oprah I've ever watched has made me cry. I am fond of coloring black light posters, especially the ones with unicorns. I am compelled to sing along with any Crosby Stills & Nash song that comes on the radio, particularly songs from Daylight Again. I am overly enthusiastic about office supplies. I often consider buying an electric blanket. I will always love Billy Idol. I am obsessive about oral hygiene and brush my teeth while showering (in addition to the other times I brush at the sink). I call underwear for both boys and girls "panties." I miss my cat when I'm not home.

I could go on, but I don't want anyone to think I'm looking for "you are cool" reassurance. I don't mind being uncool and, when I let it slip every now and then, I feel like I'm taking a metaphysical step in the right direction. I don't know many people who can explain why they like what they like or do what they do. And even the coolest, most badass, unshakeable motherf*cker turns into a giant dork when he trips over a crack in the sidewalk and blames the sidewalk.

"There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes!" ~Chris Stevens

*Title from "Grandma Woody," Northern Exposure


  1. I adore Rachael Ray.

    Let the cool kids sneer away.

  2. Panties are cool. Especially when you ask your s.o. if he brought enough when you're on a trip with his guy friends around.

    And I don't think I've ever met someone else who's admitted to brushing their teeth in the shower. Just be sure you don't have a one year old crawling over the drain when you spit.

  3. What's wrong with brushing your teeth in the shower? My breath feels so much fresher when I do.

  4. Aren't electric blankets cool? I looooove mine. Just bought a new one with soft cotton in it. Mmmm. Get one.

  5. I have a love/hate relationship with Rachael Ray. I love that she's not classically trained and is a cook but not a chef, but I hate to listen to her talk, because she's just too damn perky for my tastes. She giggles too much. It makes me want to stick my head in an oven.

  6. Same re: Chris Stevens. Mmmmf. Yummy.


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