Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Time flies, which means I am old...

I can't shake a story I heard on NPR's "All Things Considered" last week by one of my favorite reporters, Robert Krulwich (his stories are always fascinating). It isn't the first time someone has asked the question, "Why Does Time Fly By As You Get Older?" but it is one of the best explanations I've heard. Everything is new when you're young. When you're older, it isn't. There are a few other theories in the story, but the bottom line is that it's true. I left Charleston more than a month ago, I've been living and working in Austin for over a month - and that month has gone by like a DAY.

Sort of. There have been wonderful moments, wheeling a cart through a grocery store or eating lunch at a great Tex Mex place downtown (Guero's last week - yum), when it has occurred to me that I will not run into a single person I know. I don't have to be on guard all the time. I can turn the bitch alert off and not even worry about it. I'm not talking about the wonderful friends and family and other people I miss in Charleston. I'm talking about the "didn't you used to be Kelly Love Johnson" gossipy bitches, the "hey can I pick your brain over lunch" mooches, the "bless your heart, are you ill?" fake people (I've been asked that question when I went out without makeup in Charleston). There is an amazing freedom in being in a city where no-one knows you, where you can leave the house wearing tights, boots, a ripped Depeche Mode t-shirt, sunglasses, and hair like a rat's nest and no one will look at you twice. Or even once. There's no-one here to ask me why I'm no longer writing for/working for the magazine I used to work for. I can be whoever I want to be - who I really am, once I find out who that is.

But I've also been working, so time has flown by. I even began to wonder why my days seemed so short, why I was tired so early (only an hour time difference, folks), and even while writing this, wondering why I haven't been able to write a damn word in my own voice. Until now.

Last year was hard, for me and many people I know for a variety of reasons. The economy, layoffs, the unemployment rate in South Carolina. For me, 2009 will always be "the bad year" when I lost my SELF. I forgot who I was. I stopped believing in myself. I lost faith in humanity, in people I once cared about, and in me. I was my own worst enemy - and a dangerous one. I had to pick up and move to another city halfway across the country to get enough perspective to realize how bad things were. Mostly because I'm really good at pretending things are OK when they're not.

Last year, because it was full of "novelty" for me, so to speak - I've never experienced some of the emotions, the personal crises, and the joylessness that I felt then - made my days, weeks, and months feel like a fucking eternity. I was so focused on survival that I stopped having fun. Time did not fly in 2009.

But it is now. Which means I have perspective. It also means that I'm back. Oh, and I'm old.

7 comments:

  1. I am so glad you're back! and back writing!

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  2. I'm so with you about 2009 being the Year of the Big Suck. And I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Glad to hear that things are looking up. Austin is a great city. My ex was stationed at Fort Hood and Austin was our weekend playground. Is 6th St (I think it was 6th St) still party haven for the undergrads?

    Anywho, do your thang, and enjoy just being yourself. Especially in the Depeche Mode t-shirt! :-)

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  3. This is so well put...and I think is one of the big reasons why I've fallen so hard for Charlotte--first place I've been able to rediscover myself in that way since I first moved to Charleston more than 10 years ago.

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  4. (法新社倫敦四日電) 英國情色大亨芮孟的公司昨天說,芮孟日前去世,享壽八十二歲;這位A片下載身價A片上億的房地產開發商,曾經A片下載成人網站倫敦推出第一場脫衣舞表演。

    A片下載成人網站
    芮孟的財產估計達六億五千萬英鎊(台幣將近四百億),由於他名下事業大多分布在倫敦夜生活區蘇活區,因此擁有「蘇活之王」的稱號。


    他的公司「保羅芮孟集團」旗下發行多種情色雜誌,包括「Razzle」、「男性世界」以及「Mayfair」。


    芮孟本名傑福瑞.安東尼.奎恩,父親為搬運承包商。芮孟十五歲離開學校,矢言要在表演事業留名,起先表演讀心術,後來成為巡迴歌舞雜耍表演的製作人。


    許多評論家認為,他把情色表演帶進主流社會,一九五九年主持破天荒的脫衣舞表演,後來更靠著在蘇活區與倫敦西成人網站區開發房地產賺得大筆財富。


    有人形容芮孟是英國的海夫納,地位等同A片美國的「花花公子」創辦人海夫納。

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  5. Beware...there is a bit of PTSD after having one of those years, but it goes away eventually and then you realize that there actually is something to the whole 'everything is going to be alright' stuff that people kept saying. I love you more than words can say and love hearing you optimistic about the future.

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  6. I stumble accross your blog be accident(?) and I am so happy to find that through your words, I can begin to make sense of my senseless years of being on survival mode and not being able to have FUN! NOW I WANT FUN!!!

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