I hate the meeces to pieces...
A couple of weeks ago Michael was cleaning the pantry because we have seven years of crap to separate and he’s more organized than I. He was pulling some stuff out from the floor (coolers, ice buckets, fifty million “Go Heels!” plastic cups) and there were little black pebbly looking things in the bottom. Being a calm, rational, and laid-back fellow, Michael said, “uh oh.” Since I am not calm, rational, or laid-back, I shrieked like a panicked five-year-old. Hysteria ensued.

Me: “Is that MOUSE DOODIE?”

Him: “It might be.”

“IS IT??”

“It could be getting in through that space behind the fridge.”

“But the exterminator comes once a month!!”

“Yes, he does. For bugs.”

“How do I get rid of it?”

“There’s bait that makes them thirsty and they have to go outside for water.”

“But then it will come back in! Or drink the water in Miss Kitty’s bowl!”

“I don’t know how the bait works. It makes them go away.”

“I want it DEAD!”

[pulling a box of batteries and candles from our emergency shelf] “Looks like he’s been here too.”

“That’s it. I’m buying a gun.”

Yes, that is rational thinking for me. Yes, would kill a mouse given the opportunity. Yes, I know it is absurd. In my defense, I am a really good shot. However, I probably would not be able to hit a mouse .

So instead of allowing me to play small game hunter indoors, Michael checked all of the baseboards and put a new one behind the fridge where it looked like our furry friend had access. And there have been no signs of critter visitation since. I have been discussing part-time employment with The Cat, just to be on the safe side, but since I haven’t mastered Russian and she’s dumb as a box of soap flakes, it’s taking longer than I thought.

How much does happiness cost?
My bigass check for jury duty came in the mail yesterday. I earned a whopping $39.15 for three days of knitting and not being in the office. And I think for sending a man to prison, though I really don't know what the sentence was.

Now I have to decide what to spend the money on? Since it isn't enough to buy a new guitar or new shoes, my choices are:

* Wilco tickets (they're in town tomorrow night and second tier tix are still available).
* How to be Lovely (because I need to learn this)
* A down payment on my new tattoo.
* Hand it over to the woman who served on the jury with me whose job wasn't paying her for being there. I know where she works.

What do you think?

And that's why I'm scared of little people...
If you allow envy to take over your life, you could miss out on some wonderful experiences. For example, if I cut talented people out of my life because I have a twinge of jealousy every now and then, what would I have to live up to? Who would challenge me? Sure, I might be the funniest, smartest, and most talented of that group, but how does that make me a better person?

I'd rather be around people who are smarter and more talented than myself. My theory is that if I'm not feeling a bit jealous of the other people in my life, I'm not challenging myself and I'm being petty and small. Alternately, I've learned to recognize the same in others and act accordingly.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
~Mark Twain

Not far enough, baby...
I went out on a limb and wrote about a more serious issue in my latest Skirt! essay. It's a good thing I have thick skin from years of rejection slips and criticism because the "Whodoyouthinkyouare?" and "Whatchootalkinbout?" letters have already started rolling in.

Before everyone who thinks the feminist revolution is over and done with gets in a big giant twist, let me say:
Yes, there are women out there who still think it is OK to bake for the office.
Yes, there are women who bake for the office and wonder why they aren't getting promoted.
Yes, there are women out there who have never asked for a raise.
Yes, there are still employers who pay female employees less and relegate them to lesser tasks simply because they are female.
Yes, women still earn about 3/4 of what a man makes for the same job, on the average.
Yes, there are still women who have never researched what they should be earning.

This goes for men and women, but especially for women: If you don't know what you're supposed to be earning, visit Salary.com or Pay-Equity.org and find out. Speak up about discriminatory or potentially disparate workplace policies. Stop fighting the stay-at-home-mom vs. working-mom fight. We all need to make sure quality childcare is available for female employees with children. Whether they want to or have to work is irrelevant.

I'm not making this up. Take a look at the most recent Fortune 500 list. Nine female CEOs. NINE out of FIVE-HUNDRED.

Who I think I am: Sick of excuses, sick of women who accept the status quo, and tired of being the only bitch in the room.

What I am talking about: Equal opportunity and fair wages. And getting your head out of your ass.

(...stepping down from soapbox now).

I’d like to thank the Academy, the foreign press, my third grade teacher, my stylist, Charles Darwin, Target, the 1980s, the Charleston Police Department, the King Biscuit Flower Hour, my television remote, Gloria Steinem, my mother’s divorce attorney, Bettie Page, and the Marlboro Man...

...for shaping who I am today. My little web site was named “Best Local Blog” by the Charleston City Paper (thanks, Jason!) and I’m thrilled to tiny little pieces. It’s almost as good as winning “Little Miss Sunshine” in 1989 or runner up for “Okra Festival Queen” in 1995. This one’s going in the scrapbook.

I love you; I love you all. Well wishes and congratulations may be tendered via the Amazon wish list link at the right. And in case you’re wondering, I will be wearing my tiara and sash for the rest of the week.