Microfamous

With reverence, benevolence, and the best of intentions...
I've always believed that the Universe takes care of us and provides what we need, whether we know we need it or not. For several months now, I've been getting daily "Notes from the Universe" sent to me via email. I appreciate the cheery "You're full of infinite possibilities," an occasional "Jambo!" and various "keep on keepin' on" sentiments. They're pretty darn inspiring. I don't respond; I just listen and learn. But this morning I decided it was time to email the Universe back:

Dear Universe,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. My stars...you do know me so well! I would also like to thank you for the deeply subcutaneous zit under my eyebrow that is currently making my entire face throb, the $100-plus in overdraft fees on my bank account this month, and of course, the flat tire on my bike earlier this week. I'd like to thank you for my insomnia that returned with a vengeance last week (I do so love to study the cracks in my ceiling at 3am) and for scheduling my time of the month to coincide with deadline week every single month for the past year. PMS plus work stress makes me such a pleasure to be around.

While I'm at it, thanks for the diabetes. I think it really does build character to have to stick myself with a needle several times a day, and I guess those blood sugar lows that make trying to communicate with others seem like I'm translating from ancient Hungarian are just your way of saying, "you can do anything, girl, Yo-Ho-Ho!" Thanks for the Student Loan people who won't get off my back, for doubling my rent and utilities, for the damage to the side mirror on my car that occurred exactly two days after my parts warranty expired, for my mysteriously missing brand new expensive guitar strings, and for genes that allow me to actually gain weight while subsisting on a diet of iceberg lettuce, lemon juice, and water.

Since I have your attention, thanks for allowing me to waste my twenties on a series of self-absorbed, self-important, seriously flawed human beings. I guess the fact that I no longer trust my own judgment when it comes to choosing men just makes me a stronger person. And thanks in advance for the mid-life crisis I feel coming on. I sincerely hope your whimsical plans won't end with me living on some beach in a hut made out of mud and palm leaves with a psychotic ex-Hell's Angel biker and our love child.

Universe, you know I'm just being cheeky here. In all seriousness: Thanks for the randomness, the surprises, the sunsets, the killer legs, the talent, the joy, the creative life, the blessings, the music, and the love. I'm all about you these days, no matter what you decide to send my way.

With my deepest appreciation,

Your humble occupant

Things are looking up already. Trust me, by Monday I'll be positively bursting with sunshine, optimism, and pink Twinkies.