Friday, July 21, 2006

For &$#@'s sake...

I need to clean up my language, so in lieu of "sh*thead," "asshole," and the veritable fountain of profanity I spew on a daily basis, I've been thinking about the other things I could say. Some ideas:


I've been trying them out and none seem to fit. I feel like a dubbed movie on basic cable when I say "airhead" in place of "asshole." But I do want to be a better person and try not to say things like "whore" in front of 10-year-olds. I think profanity is marvelous, but unless I want to be blamed for my nephew's stint in rehab 15 years from now (and more immediately, for him dropping the f-bomb at daycare), I need to think of some G-rated replacements that roll off the tongue just as easily. I'm usually not at a loss for words, but it's a hard habit to break. Any ideas?


  1. Joker.

    They can be incredibly funny - and therefore satisfying - if used properly.

    I think, from what I can gather from this site, that you might not be very interested in Will Farrell.

    But, watching his movies or SNL can give you a lot of insight into creative substitutes for profanity.

  2. Let's see, mine substitutes usually borderline tolerable:
    stinker & stinkerhead

    My 2yo picked up the F-bomb from a friend. I finally convinced him it was not ok to say. He recently told me, "I won't say F---, I'll say HAT."

    So, now whenever he's frustrated he screeches, "HAT!" He came up with it, so I'll let it be for now.

  3. You could use the squeaky clean
    Oh FUDGE!

  4. Clown is a good one! I actually do like Will Farrell (Old School was hilarious). That's a good idea.

    I think my sister would kill me if she thought my nephew picked it up from me. She already jumps to when she hears him say something that SOUNDS LIKE sh*t.

    Expressing myself without sounding like Sandra Dee or a Canadian (hoser or hosebeast variations) is hard. I like borderline tolerable...would "douchebag" count as one of those?

  5. Gobshite. I'm telling you that using curse words from the UK can help. I'll call some dude a gobshite and he looks at me like....what? It works.


  6. Stephen Fry says "Pants" in numerous British comedies. I like "pants" as a swear word. "Oh, PANTS! I forgot to pick up my brother."

    You can pull from Black Adder and talk about rudely shaped turnips or "You're as ignorant and hairy as a very ignorant and hairy thing."

    Also, I like "son of a businessman" or "cheese and rice" or simply closing my lips to make sounds that can only be described as "fmurkle."


  7. I just keep swearin' like a truck driver...

    But BY FAR my favorite non-trucker word is fidiot.

  8. The Stranger: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
    The Dude: What the fuck you talking about?

    from Big Lebowski

  9. My dad makes up things to say in
    Spanish. Somehow, everything sounds better in Spanish. For example:

    "Ir de pescas!"

    Meaning: To go fishing.


  10. My curse substitutes are:

    Son of a sea cook
    Fuck you.

    Oh wait, that last one just slips doesn't really apply to the question at hand. *shrug*

  11. like Bob said, "cheese and rice" is a great substitute. not that it tastes good as a meal, but yeah, as a swear/blasphemy, it does the trick.

    I've heard "ahhhhhhhhhh SUGAR" quite a few times at work and "HOLEY FIRETRUCK!!" has become a staple of another coworker's vocabulary.

    there's a restaurant called "Mother Tucker's" in Halifax, Nova Scotia, so I've been known to utter that one often. If it's acceptable as a place to eat well by gosh I'll utter it in great despair if I so choose.

  12. Jings! Crivens!

    My grandmother's family sent us Scottish cartoons when we were kids. The Denise the Menace type character "Oor Wullie" used the expressions, "Jings! Crivvens! Help ma Boab!"

  13. I recall getting in trouble for using the term tea bagging at a wedding in front of the kids but they thought I was talking about making a hot drink before the mom got all upset.

  14. First rule of clean cursing - if you sound like a leftover from another era, you will just be viewed as a complete loser, and will receive no spiritual satisfaction from said expletives.

    For clean cursing to be effective, it has to be FUNNY.



    See, by taking mildly offensive words and combining them with complete nonsense, you get something that FEELS like a curse when you say it, and which, because of the humor involved, disarms the recipient while simultaneously letting them know you really meant something much worse.

    Like cuntbucket.

  15. grundle monkey is one of my personal faves. or pretty much any inane word attached to "monkey"


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