Friday, July 21, 2006

For &$#@'s sake...

I need to clean up my language, so in lieu of "sh*thead," "asshole," and the veritable fountain of profanity I spew on a daily basis, I've been thinking about the other things I could say. Some ideas:

Turkey.
Nerd.
Airhead.

I've been trying them out and none seem to fit. I feel like a dubbed movie on basic cable when I say "airhead" in place of "asshole." But I do want to be a better person and try not to say things like "whore" in front of 10-year-olds. I think profanity is marvelous, but unless I want to be blamed for my nephew's stint in rehab 15 years from now (and more immediately, for him dropping the f-bomb at daycare), I need to think of some G-rated replacements that roll off the tongue just as easily. I'm usually not at a loss for words, but it's a hard habit to break. Any ideas?

15 comments:

  1. Joker.
    Clown.

    They can be incredibly funny - and therefore satisfying - if used properly.

    I think, from what I can gather from this site, that you might not be very interested in Will Farrell.

    But, watching his movies or SNL can give you a lot of insight into creative substitutes for profanity.

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  2. Let's see, mine substitutes usually borderline tolerable:
    stinker & stinkerhead
    turd
    dirtball

    My 2yo picked up the F-bomb from a friend. I finally convinced him it was not ok to say. He recently told me, "I won't say F---, I'll say HAT."

    So, now whenever he's frustrated he screeches, "HAT!" He came up with it, so I'll let it be for now.

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  3. You could use the squeaky clean
    Oh FUDGE!

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  4. Clown is a good one! I actually do like Will Farrell (Old School was hilarious). That's a good idea.

    I think my sister would kill me if she thought my nephew picked it up from me. She already jumps to when she hears him say something that SOUNDS LIKE sh*t.

    Expressing myself without sounding like Sandra Dee or a Canadian (hoser or hosebeast variations) is hard. I like borderline tolerable...would "douchebag" count as one of those?

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  5. Gobshite. I'm telling you that using curse words from the UK can help. I'll call some dude a gobshite and he looks at me like....what? It works.

    Gobshite!

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  6. Stephen Fry says "Pants" in numerous British comedies. I like "pants" as a swear word. "Oh, PANTS! I forgot to pick up my brother."

    You can pull from Black Adder and talk about rudely shaped turnips or "You're as ignorant and hairy as a very ignorant and hairy thing."

    Also, I like "son of a businessman" or "cheese and rice" or simply closing my lips to make sounds that can only be described as "fmurkle."

    Bob

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  7. I just keep swearin' like a truck driver...

    But BY FAR my favorite non-trucker word is fidiot.

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  8. The Stranger: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
    The Dude: What the fuck you talking about?

    from Big Lebowski

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  9. My dad makes up things to say in
    Spanish. Somehow, everything sounds better in Spanish. For example:

    "Ir de pescas!"

    Meaning: To go fishing.

    See?

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  10. My curse substitutes are:

    A-hole
    Son of a sea cook
    and,
    Fuck you.

    Oh wait, that last one just slips out..it doesn't really apply to the question at hand. *shrug*

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  11. like Bob said, "cheese and rice" is a great substitute. not that it tastes good as a meal, but yeah, as a swear/blasphemy, it does the trick.

    I've heard "ahhhhhhhhhh SUGAR" quite a few times at work and "HOLEY FIRETRUCK!!" has become a staple of another coworker's vocabulary.

    there's a restaurant called "Mother Tucker's" in Halifax, Nova Scotia, so I've been known to utter that one often. If it's acceptable as a place to eat well by gosh I'll utter it in great despair if I so choose.

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  12. Jings! Crivens!

    My grandmother's family sent us Scottish cartoons when we were kids. The Denise the Menace type character "Oor Wullie" used the expressions, "Jings! Crivvens! Help ma Boab!"

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  13. I recall getting in trouble for using the term tea bagging at a wedding in front of the kids but they thought I was talking about making a hot drink before the mom got all upset.

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  14. First rule of clean cursing - if you sound like a leftover from another era, you will just be viewed as a complete loser, and will receive no spiritual satisfaction from said expletives.

    For clean cursing to be effective, it has to be FUNNY.

    Ahem:

    Turdbracket
    Snotwaffle
    Asspaddle
    Crapmonger

    See, by taking mildly offensive words and combining them with complete nonsense, you get something that FEELS like a curse when you say it, and which, because of the humor involved, disarms the recipient while simultaneously letting them know you really meant something much worse.

    Like cuntbucket.

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  15. grundle monkey is one of my personal faves. or pretty much any inane word attached to "monkey"

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