Do you like me? Check yes or no...

This makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry. I am more tired of "how to date" crap than I am of actual dating. Some observations from the past couple of years of the World of Dating:

1. Singing "there's a monster in my pants and it really wants to dance" is not a good way to impress me if we met 10 minutes ago. However, it's a great way to entertain me if we've passed casual hugging and moved on to groping.

2. I know why you date women in their 20s. Because women over 30 care if you change your sheets. What's my point? I'm saying that I'm not sleeping over.

3. If what you said in between was more interesting, it wouldn't bother me so much that you keep saying "um" and "like."

4. The terms of your divorce and child support are none of my business. And though you'd think that calling your ex a bloodsucking she-devil in my presence would serve to make me think you like me more, it actually makes me think you hate all women.

5. When I say I'd like to be friends, I am not blowing you off. I am telling you in a nice way that we're not going to Do It until I know you better. If I wanted to blow you off, I'd tell you to lose my number as I set fire to yours. In front of you.

My feet hurt, I have a hair headache from the f*cking rubber band, my face aches from smiling, but that Ken is just so darn dreamy.

If there was a way to skip all of the "here's my life" and "tell me about yourself" awkwardness, I'd totally do it. Drinking used to make it more comfortable. Now I want to hand them my blog address, my resume, and the first draft of my novel, tell them to read every word and then call me if they still want to.

I've never been one of those Need-a-Man women. I don't have Need-a-Man friends. And I can't even guess how many times I've said the following: "I spent too much time with the wrong people. If I never meet the right one, I'll be fine with that."

If I feel like I'm too old for this now, how am I going to feel in 10 years? 20? Should I get out the knitting and fuzzy bathrobe? Start spending evenings watching Law & Order? (it's my generation's Murder She Wrote.)

Is there a void? Sometimes. But it isn't large enough for me to make certain compromises. Instead of assuming that I have a black hole where my heart should be, let's just call me single and holding and try to be okay with that.