Thursday, May 31, 2007

If you need immediate assistance, you're out of luck...

I've been on vacation all week and am now getting ready to leave for Asheville for my friend Aleigh's lovely wedding. There will be a carriage house, a rehearsal dinner, some Asheville sightseeing, and a wedding on a farm in the mountains. I won't be back until Tuesday of next week, so in lieu of a vacation post, I'll leave you with the following list (even though I'm not technically being a house guest this week, I have often been a house guest and hope to be one again in the future):

Why I am a poor houseguest...
I do not make the bed when I leave. (a) I assume my host will want to wash the sheets after I leave so they will be clean for the next guest, therefore making the bed is a waste of time and (b) I am spoiled and rarely make my own bed.

I leave odd things behind, like glitter, cat hair, and ominous quotes scribbled on Post-Its ("Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink." ~Charles Bukowski).

I smoke on the front porch in my pajamas and I don't care what your neighbors think.

I hog the television remote and insist on watching cartoons from around 11pm to 1am.

I feed your dog french fries until it farts, then complain about the smell.

There. I feel better. Now that I've put it all out there, let me also add that I try to balance out my faults by being entertaining, buying dinner (even if it's only a sack of tiny burgers from Krystal), and leaving good things like caramel crunch trail mix and Xanax behind. That said, I'm open to any invitations for the summer that might involve your guest room in your apartment in Paris, your country home, or being a third wheel for the weekend at your cabin in the mountains.


  1. Hee!! I recognize several of these. And for the record, I forgive you for giving Murphy the farts. It's not like that's not something I have to live with on a daily basis ANYWAY.

    (But honestly, I don't think you're a bad houseguests. I mean, I put the dogs out in my pjs, and I don't care what the neighbors think, either!)

  2. Free couch in San Francisco (I gotta get a guest room) anytime. But I might need a month to recover before and after.

  3. I know, but that's because you know me and you've come to expect that kind of behavior!

    If I come to SF you have to promise to protect me. The last time I was there I just barely escaped a kidnapping attempt by a roving band of drag queens. The wigs! The Lee Press Ons! The horror.


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