Yes, I am...
...going to be nice to you because it's your birthday. Even when you tell me it must be really hard because I've been nice to you for a whole five minutes now. Yes, even then.

Happy birthday, monkey.

Mostly True Part Deux...
Getting the last secret off my chest made me feel so clean I thought I'd unload a few more:

For three months in middle school, I spelled my name Kelly-with-an-i just so I could draw a little heart over the "i".

I frequently hug people with just one arm because I don't like the commitment of hugging with both arms.

I once dated a guy I hated for way too long just so I could make his life miserable. And I did. I don't do that anymore because I'm a grown-up now.

I just lied when I said I was a grown-up now.

Mostly True Confessions...
Even though I feel very strongly about respecting the privacy of others and wished terrible things on the person who did it to me, I once had a momentary lapse of reason and read a friend's personal journal. It was right there in front of me and the temptation was too great. I opened it at random, read a single page, and closed it. It was about me.

In case you're wondering: It's not you. That friendship ended a couple of years later for a variety of reasons and I never told him what I did or brought up what I read.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel better.

Is it wrong...
to eat while I watch workout DVDs? I've got those "Eight minutes buns/abs/thighs/other fat body parts" DVDs because my intentions are good. However, eight minutes for an ab workout is a little long, so I usually end up on the couch after about 3 minutes with a snack.

If I had a million dollars...
The first thing I would do is rent a roller skating rink for the day and skate around the empty rink wearing a big twirly skirt.

If you think I'm nuts, go here and watch the video for "Shine" by Love Freakz. It makes me feel happy.

Anger Management...
Whenever I am forced to listen to the ridiculous bass-thumping of some dumbass's car stereo, I feel like my head is going to explode. It makes me want to put my window down and scream something derogatory about gangsta rap, but even uttering the words "gangsta rap" makes me sound like the whitest white girl on the planet, so Coolio cruising by with his nine-thousand dollar car stereo would probably just laugh at me.

After suffering in silence for too long, I discovered something that makes me feel better: Revenge. I was stuck in traffic earlier this week in front of Slim Shady in a Ford Fiesta with rims that cost more than the car, blasting what I think was rap music - hard to tell because the bass was rattling the engine so hard I could hear it knocking around under the hood - but I did catch the occasional "bitches" and "hos."

Rather than stand up on the seat with my head and shoulders through the sunroof and attempt to communicate "pardon me, you dim-witted douche..please turn your wannabe ghetto-ass music DOWN" through sign language, I flipped through my CDs until I found Cowboy Mouth "Live at the Zoo 2004." I put it in the CD player, adjusted my bass to low, and cranked up the volume. My factory-installed car stereo that has never been above 9 or 10 kicked ass. I couldn't hear "Down Ass Bitch" anymore, and Slim Shady couldn't either. And since we were stuck in traffic for another 10 minutes, I feel like he gained a new appreciation for what music is supposed to be (as did the other cars around me).

Once again, rock and roll has saved my sanity. Thank you Fred Le Blanc, you crazy f*cker.

Are you there Margaret? It's me, God.
I am a Cho fan, so I was happy to hear her latest production, Margaret Cho: The Assassin Tour, hit theaters (in a few cities) last week. Since I live in my city (instead of San Francisco or NYC), I might have to wait for the DVD. Meanwhile, I've been reading her blog. Just when I thought there was no such thing as an activist with a sense of humor...

"If you are a woman, if you are a person of colour, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world. And it's going to be really hard for us to find messages of self-love and support anywhere. If you don't have self-esteem, you will hesitate to do anything in your life. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote; you will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution, and our revolution is long overdue."
-Margaret Cho

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat!?!?
I didn't eat red meat from 1992 through 2002 (I wasn't vegan, I ate fish and dairy). In high school, after my second bout of mono, I saw this flaky crystal-wearing holistic nutritionist who suggested I give up meat because it was "bad for my blood type." Honestly, it wasn't hard. And the longer I went without it, the easier it was. Occasionally I missed the drive-thru (especially my late-night friend, Whopper), but it was no big deal.

What ended my embargo: One night, after drinking eight vodka martinis, I accidentally ate bacon. And it was so good, I wanted to kick my own ass for frittering away 10 years of my life bacon-free.

I was at the BK drive-thru the next morning the second they stopped serving breakfast and bought my first Whopper in 10 years. It was the best Whopper I will ever have. I even got Michael take a photo of me eating it (no, you'll never see that photo).

I don't eat fast food anymore (a year and counting since the last drive thru burger). I eat a lot of chicken and fish. Occasionally a good steak. Or a medium rare brasserie burger from Rue de Jean. It's no Whopper, but since trans fats are the devil (just try to eat fast food after watching Super-Size Me...)

I stopped eating the meat because the meat is bad for my health, not because I hate that the poor animals have to be slaughtered to make the meat. I'm not a member of PETA, nor do I want to make friends with Bessie or Wilbur down on the farm. Despite my lack of agricultural empathy, sometimes now when I eat meat, I wonder what the cow or pig's name was and what he was thinking before he got his head smashed in.

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?' I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."
~Homer Simpson