My life lately has been consumed with freelance work, hunting for the perfect day job, trying to figure out how December arrived so quickly, and writing things that don't belong here. But I'm around, I'm still writing, and have a list of blog posts to come that are so navel-gazingly fascinating you're going to hate yourself if you miss them.
Showing posts with label annoyingly cryptic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoyingly cryptic. Show all posts
Monday, December 06, 2010
I'm still here, I promise...
Borrowing from one of my favorite bloggers/writers/artists, Summer Pierre, a short note to let you know I'm still around.
My life lately has been consumed with freelance work, hunting for the perfect day job, trying to figure out how December arrived so quickly, and writing things that don't belong here. But I'm around, I'm still writing, and have a list of blog posts to come that are so navel-gazingly fascinating you're going to hate yourself if you miss them.
My life lately has been consumed with freelance work, hunting for the perfect day job, trying to figure out how December arrived so quickly, and writing things that don't belong here. But I'm around, I'm still writing, and have a list of blog posts to come that are so navel-gazingly fascinating you're going to hate yourself if you miss them.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
2:17am on November 17...
Let the midlife crisis officially begin. instead of dating 20-somethings or buying a convertible, I'm going to start a new chapter in my life (I hate how new-agey that sounds). OK, a "new phase" in my life.
First, I'm letting go of all of the old shit. I've spent the past few evenings writing letters/emails I will never send to people who don't need to read them anyway. To the one who didn't stand up for me when you should have, to the one who used me to feed your ego, to the one who broke my heart, to the one who let me down when I needed you the most...I forgive all of it. I wish you love and happiness and I hate that it has taken me so long to get to the place where I can say that and start to trust people again.
Second, I'm moving on. Literally. More news on that later.
Third, as difficult as this past year has been, I know it has made me stronger. I shall not weep, I shall not wallow. I am going to celebrate the fact that I survived everything that has been thrown at me and come out on the other side a better person for it.
Life is short. Holding on to pain from the past is a waste of time. I'm so lucky to have friends who stuck by me, who listened to me sob over the telephone wires from many miles away, who have hearts so wonderfully large it takes my breath away. Instead of counting my missteps, I am counting my blessings, and there are so many.
I am one year older and one year wiser. What a gift.
First, I'm letting go of all of the old shit. I've spent the past few evenings writing letters/emails I will never send to people who don't need to read them anyway. To the one who didn't stand up for me when you should have, to the one who used me to feed your ego, to the one who broke my heart, to the one who let me down when I needed you the most...I forgive all of it. I wish you love and happiness and I hate that it has taken me so long to get to the place where I can say that and start to trust people again.
Second, I'm moving on. Literally. More news on that later.
Third, as difficult as this past year has been, I know it has made me stronger. I shall not weep, I shall not wallow. I am going to celebrate the fact that I survived everything that has been thrown at me and come out on the other side a better person for it.
Life is short. Holding on to pain from the past is a waste of time. I'm so lucky to have friends who stuck by me, who listened to me sob over the telephone wires from many miles away, who have hearts so wonderfully large it takes my breath away. Instead of counting my missteps, I am counting my blessings, and there are so many.
I am one year older and one year wiser. What a gift.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Public vs. private...
I was lucky enough to attend Sara Benincasa's "Agorafabulous" show at Theatre 99 on Friday night. My friend Jason wrote a great piece about her in last week's City Paper and I got to be his plus one (Thanks, Jason!).
To sum up: Sara has agoraphobia, struggled with it for years, and turned it into a comedy routine. I, being a firm believer in handling most of life's challenges with humor, admire the sh*t out of her. After reading Jason's CP piece and a little more on Sara's blog, I knew I had to see the show. And I wasn't disapppointed. You can see a clip from Friday's show and read more about Sara here.
Why this was important to me: I've written personal narrative for years and have turned some of the most painful episodes in my life into humorous pieces. I'm flippant, irreverent, and capable of laughing at myself in most instances. But there are a few "no touchy" subjects for me and panic disorder is one of them.
Like Sara, I had my first panic attack at the age of 18. I didn't know it was a panic attack, but I spent a lot of time over a three-year period going to emergency rooms trying to convince them that I was having a heart attack. I was called histrionic, dehydrated, hooked up to saline IVs and sent home, and finally diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse, or MVP - a common heart condition that about one in four women have, but tend to grow out of in their 20s (I did). By the time I was 21, I was frustrated, self-medicating, and nearly incapacitated by panic attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Four MDs, two shrinks, and two years later, I was finally given a diagnosis of PTSD (something else I haven't written about because I haven't been able to remove myself enough to find the humor in it). I began taking medication for panic disorder, but discovered I didn't need it long-term, because once I knew that I was only having a panic attack and that I wasn't going to die, I was able to use some of the coping skills I learned in therapy to talk myself down.
One of the reasons I haven't written very much about this is because there is such a stigma associated with panic disorders. I had too many doctors (and friends and boyfriends and acquaintances) tell me "it's all in your head" or "you're being a hypochondriac" that I just stopped sharing. I also stopped going to therapy and went for almost 8 years without a panic attack - through the latter part of my 20s. There was a part of me that even believed I could overcome it with sheer willpower. I'm not a weak person and one of my biggest fears is having other people think I'm weak.
After years of being panic attack free, I started having them again after 9/11, again after my grandmother passed away in early 2003, again after I lost two of my best friends in 2003. It was right around this time that I began seeing a new therapist who really knew her sh*t - in fact, she gave me some information about new research linking MVP to panic disorder. Even with the mild type I had, the MVP "episodes" can trigger a fight or flight response that in turn triggers panic attacks. We also started working on the overall issue of PTSD, and my anxiety became managable once again.
I can't say at this point in my life that I will never again have a panic attack. The few that I've had in the past year or so have been what my therapist calls "situational," meaning that something bad happens in my life, I stop taking care of myself physically as a result, and end up sitting in my car outside of Harris Teeter, unable to drum up the courage to enter the store because I'm sitting in my car having an anxiety attack. Driving is another trigger for me. I've had to pull over to the side of the road because of an anxiety attack. I've also woken up in the middle of the night with night terrors that trigger an attack. I don't take daily medication because antidepressants really didn't work for me; plus I tend to (luckily) have very long anxiety-free periods of time, so I use Xanax as needed.
Back to the show: I was amazed that someone who experienced panic disorder that was severe enough to manifest as agoraphobia could take her situation and turn it into a routine that literally had the audience cackling for an entire hour like Sara did. I admire her for that, I admire her for sharing her most painful moments, and for being open about the fact that she takes medication and credits it for saving her life. I think if more people spoke openly about it, there wouldn't be such a stigma attached. And it also helped me see that eventually I'll be able to write about my own experiences with humor, because I saw that there is a lot of funny to be mined there.
My close friends know about my own history. And the few others I've shared it with are always amazed - I usually simplify it by just saying "I'm slightly socially phobic" - because they've read my essays for years and that Kelly Love Johnson is fearless. I'm a lot more comfortable now than I was 10 years ago explaining that the Kelly who writes those essays is my public persona, like a costume I can put on when I want to, and she is fearless. But the private Kelly is just as screwed up as everyone else. She has self-esteem issues. She doesn't like to make small talk. She is not a fan of crowds. She's had insomnia since high school that is entirely anxiety-based. She's afraid of flying, travel, highway construction, frogs, the ocean, hurricanes, the extreme Christian Right, aging, showing weakness, and homelessness. She also hates writing about herself in the third person.
I think what Sara did with her show is merge the two - her public and private Saras. And I hope to be able to do that myself someday, without judgment, without fear, and hopefully with a few laughs.
And one last thing: When I got a note via Facebook from Sara herself telling me she was a fangirl of mine and has been reading my essays for years, I almost fell out of my chair. It's the most flattered I've been in months and I think I'm going to spend the entire weekend riding that high.
To sum up: Sara has agoraphobia, struggled with it for years, and turned it into a comedy routine. I, being a firm believer in handling most of life's challenges with humor, admire the sh*t out of her. After reading Jason's CP piece and a little more on Sara's blog, I knew I had to see the show. And I wasn't disapppointed. You can see a clip from Friday's show and read more about Sara here.
Why this was important to me: I've written personal narrative for years and have turned some of the most painful episodes in my life into humorous pieces. I'm flippant, irreverent, and capable of laughing at myself in most instances. But there are a few "no touchy" subjects for me and panic disorder is one of them.
Like Sara, I had my first panic attack at the age of 18. I didn't know it was a panic attack, but I spent a lot of time over a three-year period going to emergency rooms trying to convince them that I was having a heart attack. I was called histrionic, dehydrated, hooked up to saline IVs and sent home, and finally diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse, or MVP - a common heart condition that about one in four women have, but tend to grow out of in their 20s (I did). By the time I was 21, I was frustrated, self-medicating, and nearly incapacitated by panic attacks that were becoming more and more frequent. Four MDs, two shrinks, and two years later, I was finally given a diagnosis of PTSD (something else I haven't written about because I haven't been able to remove myself enough to find the humor in it). I began taking medication for panic disorder, but discovered I didn't need it long-term, because once I knew that I was only having a panic attack and that I wasn't going to die, I was able to use some of the coping skills I learned in therapy to talk myself down.
One of the reasons I haven't written very much about this is because there is such a stigma associated with panic disorders. I had too many doctors (and friends and boyfriends and acquaintances) tell me "it's all in your head" or "you're being a hypochondriac" that I just stopped sharing. I also stopped going to therapy and went for almost 8 years without a panic attack - through the latter part of my 20s. There was a part of me that even believed I could overcome it with sheer willpower. I'm not a weak person and one of my biggest fears is having other people think I'm weak.
After years of being panic attack free, I started having them again after 9/11, again after my grandmother passed away in early 2003, again after I lost two of my best friends in 2003. It was right around this time that I began seeing a new therapist who really knew her sh*t - in fact, she gave me some information about new research linking MVP to panic disorder. Even with the mild type I had, the MVP "episodes" can trigger a fight or flight response that in turn triggers panic attacks. We also started working on the overall issue of PTSD, and my anxiety became managable once again.
I can't say at this point in my life that I will never again have a panic attack. The few that I've had in the past year or so have been what my therapist calls "situational," meaning that something bad happens in my life, I stop taking care of myself physically as a result, and end up sitting in my car outside of Harris Teeter, unable to drum up the courage to enter the store because I'm sitting in my car having an anxiety attack. Driving is another trigger for me. I've had to pull over to the side of the road because of an anxiety attack. I've also woken up in the middle of the night with night terrors that trigger an attack. I don't take daily medication because antidepressants really didn't work for me; plus I tend to (luckily) have very long anxiety-free periods of time, so I use Xanax as needed.
Back to the show: I was amazed that someone who experienced panic disorder that was severe enough to manifest as agoraphobia could take her situation and turn it into a routine that literally had the audience cackling for an entire hour like Sara did. I admire her for that, I admire her for sharing her most painful moments, and for being open about the fact that she takes medication and credits it for saving her life. I think if more people spoke openly about it, there wouldn't be such a stigma attached. And it also helped me see that eventually I'll be able to write about my own experiences with humor, because I saw that there is a lot of funny to be mined there.
My close friends know about my own history. And the few others I've shared it with are always amazed - I usually simplify it by just saying "I'm slightly socially phobic" - because they've read my essays for years and that Kelly Love Johnson is fearless. I'm a lot more comfortable now than I was 10 years ago explaining that the Kelly who writes those essays is my public persona, like a costume I can put on when I want to, and she is fearless. But the private Kelly is just as screwed up as everyone else. She has self-esteem issues. She doesn't like to make small talk. She is not a fan of crowds. She's had insomnia since high school that is entirely anxiety-based. She's afraid of flying, travel, highway construction, frogs, the ocean, hurricanes, the extreme Christian Right, aging, showing weakness, and homelessness. She also hates writing about herself in the third person.
I think what Sara did with her show is merge the two - her public and private Saras. And I hope to be able to do that myself someday, without judgment, without fear, and hopefully with a few laughs.
And one last thing: When I got a note via Facebook from Sara herself telling me she was a fangirl of mine and has been reading my essays for years, I almost fell out of my chair. It's the most flattered I've been in months and I think I'm going to spend the entire weekend riding that high.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Clearly, I am taking a "blog break"
a) I'm working on a campaign and, while I'm loving every minute, there are a lot of minutes. And I won't discuss campaign strategy anyway. Don't have to. Awesome candidate.
b) The lot of minutes thing? Also means I don't have a whole lot to say in my off time because I say a lot in my on time.
c) If I did write about my day, it would not be exciting. (Woke up, drank lots of coffee, went to work for 10 hours, home, eat, sleep). Sometimes I make a phone call or two just to let friends and family know I'm still breathing.
d) I use all my free time to manage the basics of my life, such as buying groceries and tampons, getting a hair cut/color, taking car to car wash. Snooooze. Trust me, my new job is exciting enough to make up for my after-hours boring-ness.
e) I think we all know I was slacking off on posting here before I took this job. I tend to become very reticent when I have a lot of upheaval in my life. And then I wait a year and write all about it.
So if you can stand it that long, I promise to update at least once a week if you promise to keep coming back. And I'll have some better stories to tell in a few months.
b) The lot of minutes thing? Also means I don't have a whole lot to say in my off time because I say a lot in my on time.
c) If I did write about my day, it would not be exciting. (Woke up, drank lots of coffee, went to work for 10 hours, home, eat, sleep). Sometimes I make a phone call or two just to let friends and family know I'm still breathing.
d) I use all my free time to manage the basics of my life, such as buying groceries and tampons, getting a hair cut/color, taking car to car wash. Snooooze. Trust me, my new job is exciting enough to make up for my after-hours boring-ness.
e) I think we all know I was slacking off on posting here before I took this job. I tend to become very reticent when I have a lot of upheaval in my life. And then I wait a year and write all about it.
So if you can stand it that long, I promise to update at least once a week if you promise to keep coming back. And I'll have some better stories to tell in a few months.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
MIA....
I have been, yes. I'm not quite ready to discuss what's been going on in my personal life lately (please don't die from shock). I have become more reticent in the past few years, but this time it's because I'm saving all of it for book number two. If I blow it all here, what am I going to write about next? Politics? Already sick of it. Sex? I've had my "closed for business" sign out for a while now. My past? It's taken me years to finally get all of that buried in a tight little corner in the back of my brain for some therapist to try and ferret out when I'm 60. I'm having some new adventures, kids, and they are good ones.
We'll talk more soon, I promise. I miss you when I'm not here.
We'll talk more soon, I promise. I miss you when I'm not here.
