Guilty on all counts...

• Working from home and not respecting my own boundaries (i.e. "end of day" means I stop working). Too many nights over the past few weeks spent working on various projects late into the evenings. Verdict: Guilty.
• Giving the cat Albacore tuna (not cheap, BTW) three days in a row because I haven't had time/energy/inclination to go to the grocery store and buy cat food. Verdict: Guilty.
• Not showering/washing my hair for TWO DAYS IN A ROW. Verdict: Gross.
• Ordering Pad Thai for dinner last night because I didn't want to cook and my pantry was running low anyway (see: not going to the grocery store). Verdict: Guilty.
• Writing, but the kind of writing that won't see the light of day for some time. Let's call it cathartic writing, except that it stopped being cathartic and instead has caused hostility, anger, and a general bad mood to resurface. I've been in therapy on and off since childhood and I should know to leave it be for a while by now. But I don't. Verdict: Guilty. And stupid.
• Being happy that it rained all day Monday so I didn't have to take the dog for a long walk - meaning no exercise for me either and I spent the entire day with face in computer. Verdict: Guilty.
• Feeling guilty about all of the above and not cutting myself very much slack. Verdict: Guilty.

What can I say? Do you want to hear about all of the billing I have out for work I've yet to be paid for? Do you want to know how difficult it is to make a living on a project by project basis? Do you want a rant about how worried I am about my COBRA running out at the end of the year and the possibility that I may not be able to get coverage because I'm diabetic? Alternately, I have another rant about paying $400 a month for health insurance. I made a commitment to be positive - no matter what happens, no matter how low my checking account dips, no matter how many unpaid bills or time I spend on projects that I may or may not get paid for?

I don't even want to hear about that. But after having lunch with a friend last week and an interesting discussion about appearances versus reality, maybe I should write here more often about what the life of a freelancer is really like. It sounds glamorous and exciting to say I work from home, I set my own hours, I pick the projects I want to work on. But it's all one big scramble to make ends meet, and some months they don't meet very well.

I hear from other writers all the time - some friends, some casual acquaintances - and they want to know how I do it. This is how I do it: by the seat of my f*cking pants. I know I'm lucky. I have talent and skills and have learned a lot of new things this year. I can build web sites from scratch, I can build online advertising networks, I can be a media planner, I can edit, I can write. Survival skills. Don't underestimate them. And if you're a young writer planning on taking the leap from your boring day job to the exciting world of freelancing, stop and think about it first. If you have employer sponsored health insurance and a 40-hour a week job, there are many hours left in the week to write and submit articles and see your byline all over the place so you can feed your ego. But keep the day job, at least until the economy turns around or publishers get smart and start paying living wages for online content, because print media seems to be continuing its downward decline.

Expect more honesty from me here. I don't want to be responsible for anyone thinking they're "less than" because it appears that I'm not only paying my bills, but rolling in all of the extra money I'm making because I got a book published and write articles for magazines sometimes.

/confession

Tell me something good...*

Despite the fact that I am actively pursuing positivity (i.e. not hanging out with people who bring me down, not listening to the little voice in my head that worries all the time, not reading sad books or listening to any of my numerous sad songs playlists), I just had to let some of the negativity loose. My top 10 list of things that piss me off:

1. People who keep sending me DC-based political job listings. I was communications director for one congressional campaign and, while I did a really good job for my candidate, I chose to work for the campaign because of the candidate and her positions, not because I had a dream to one day work for low wages in politics. I love you, but please stop with the DC job listing email forwards. I don't want to move to DC, especially not for 50K a year.

2. The chatty guy who works behind the counter at CVS who thinks it is appropriate to tell me I look tired, that I look that I've had a long day, etc. He's done it three times already. I work from home. Some days that means I don't wear makeup. I also have to walk my dog, which means I am often sweaty, covered in sunscreen, and wearing a ball cap to hide dirty hair. Also, I am over 30 and an insomniac, so I frequently suffer from puffy eye syndrome. None of this is CVS guy's business. And it doesn't make my day. Also? I never hear him say things like that to men. Don't comment on my appearance unless you think I look fantastic.

3. The former friend I haven't spoken to in five years sending me a friend request through Facebook (no note, just the friend request). There are better ways to get in touch after time has passed and this is not one of them. My email address has been the same since 1997. My cell number has been the same since 2000.

4. People who keep asking me to do shit for free, like they believe since I'm working from home I have all this time on my hands. I don't mind giving advice, volunteering, etc., but I do have a limit. And really my pet peeve here isn't doing something pro bono, it's the lack of reciprocity. I have literally reached out for help to people for whom I have bent over backwards for years for, and was left with my hand outstretched and not even a kind word. I could give you some fine examples, but would rather not name names. Instead, I will share my Note from the Universe that I received this morning:
"There will always be people in your life, Kelly Love, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter."

5. People who keep trying to engage me in conversation about things in celebrity gossip magazines. I do not care about those people with a bunch of kids, octo-mom or whatever her name is, anyone from The Hills, Housewives of Whatever, or reality television in general. I realize these are like crack to some people and that's just fine. I don't want to hear about them. The only reality shows I watch are on the Food Network , Animal Planet, and the Travel Channel. If that makes me a TV snob, so be it.

6. My douchebag neighbor who keeps parking his douchey boat and douchey truck on the side street of my house. It wouldn't be so bad if his douchey boat didn't LEAK GASOLINE INTO MY YARD. Also? I had four of my OTHER neighbors knock on my door to ask me if it was MY boat (seriously?!) because they were pissed about the gasoline smell. Someone called DHEC on him. It might have been me. If it wasn't me, I wish I'd thought of it.

7. Random neighbors (including douchey boat guy's girlfriend) stopping by to ask (a) if I have wi-fi and (b) if I will give them my password. One even offered me $20 a month to ride my wireless internet access. Wow - I pay $65 a month for internet access and you want to give me $20 a month to slow it down? No thanks and you have very large balls just for asking. My standard response is "I don't feel comfortable with that" (and then I raise an eyebrow to make my "and I don't care if you think I'm a bitch" face).

8. Some effed up show on the History Channel called "Life After People" I accidentally watched while flipping channels during a bout of insomnia. Dude, I am neurotic enough on my own. I ended up taking a Xanax at 3am just to be able to get back to sleep after watching just 10 minutes of this show. And I still can't get the images of feral dogs rummaging through cities out of my head.

9. People who respond to my listing on Roommates.com that are either complete freaks or arrange a time to meet and never show up or call me back. And the ones who are surprised that I'm actually "interviewing" potential roommates. Just trying to weed out the racists, homophobes, rednecks, and serial killers. I don't think that's too much to ask.

10. People who murder in the name of religion. I worry that Dr. Tiller's murder might indicate a return to some of the anti-choice violence we saw in the early and mid-90s. Also, it's been a long time since I've been to church, but I'm pretty sure "thou shalt not kill" is still included in the Ten Commandments. Some of the discourse and reporting about Tiller's murder scares me.

With all of this, let me add some positive things:
* My BFF and I came up with a great idea for a book that we're going to work on together - no details until I have a contract, but it's a good one.
* I noticed that one of my neighbors listens to books on CD when she's working in her yard, so I stopped by and gave her Tom Perrotta's Little Children on CD that I've had forever. She returned it the following week with some lovely chocolate pound cake.
* I have season 4 of Weeds on DVD.
* I'm as busy as I want to be.
* I have some really great friends who can make me laugh even when I am in a funk.

*Song by Rufus & Chaka Khan

Now it's your turn to help me on my quest for living a positive and balanced life. Tell me something good. Tell me that you love me. Tell me what you do love (even if it's celebrity gossip...I'll forgive you). Post a link to some good news. Tell me you're the one who called DHEC on my douchey neighbor. Tell me how great I look without makeup and with puffy eyes. Give me the name brand of sunscreen 60SPF or higher that won't make me look like I've rolled in Crisco. Just tell me.

Behold...

This was my old computer background. Margaret suggested that its discordant colors and cacophonous design might be contributing to my general ill humor. It basically shouts, "be peaceful, dammit!" I'm taking any and all suggestions right now so I decided to change it.

This is the new one. It is a photo I took of the sunset on the marsh during a bike ride. It reminds me of riding my bike and it does seem to make me feel calmer. Because I have been in front of one computer screen or another for way too many days in a row now.

I'll let you know if it works.

Must stay away from mall...

This is my third attempt this week at posting something that doesn't make me sound like a grinch. I really do love the holidays, I'm just feeling a bit inundated. Overwhelmed. Holiday-ed out, and I haven't really done any shopping yet. It's the commercials, the Muzak, the decorations that have been up since Halloween, the non-stop screeching of "deck the halls" and "favorite things" from holiday carol CDs in the office, the "buy buy buy" TV commercials and inane news stories about making your own gifts or recycling gifts or buying better gifts on the morning programs.

And all of that does sound a bit grinchly, does it not? I do not want to stand in line, spend too much, shop until I drop, or enjoy great! holiday! savings! I don't want a last minute deal. I don't want to know what the rules of regifting are.

I really just want to hang out with my sisters and nieces and do family things. I want to make the chicken liver spread my sister Katie loves and sit on a fat couch with my fat nephew on my fat lap. I want to ride on my sister Karen's girlfriend's motorcycle until I can't feel my face because of the cold. I want to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Miracle on 34th Street" with my niece Keri. I want to sing with my sister Kristin in our cartoon voices until the cat freaks out and hides. I want to start a "who's going to cry?" family betting pool.

I'm going to enjoy the hell out of my time off this year.

Today is a lucky day for those who remain cheerful and optimistic...

I used to have this written on a Post-it taped to my computer screen, but I lost it a long time ago. My friend Jeff used to say it a lot and I think it's from a fortune cookie. I've realized lately how often my thoughts (and statements) are negative and how difficult it is to try and turn them into positives.

For example:
Negative - "I spend 50 f*cking dollars A MONTH on vitamins."
Positive - "I have really expensive pee."

Negative - "I feel old today."
Positive - "I feel things because I am human and alive."

Negative - "I'm creatively drained."
Positive - "You can't fill a well that doesn't need filling."

I'm tired, cranky, hungry, pained, anxious, and bored. But I should be grateful, buoyant, healthy, calm, and inspired. And even on the days when I feel like everything is made of red tape, when it feels like a trip to the grocery store is too haaard, when the treadmill at the gym feels like the wheel in a hamster cage (damn, forgot about those little guys...now I'm having mid-90s web flashbacks), I should be thankful. A lot of things come easy to me and I have to stop complaining about the things that don't (like having a sunny personality). I get to be around people who remind me that positivity comes from within and that a whole hour of yoga is worth the happy baby pose at the end. My family is healthy. I'm healthy. And even if I have already lived half of my life (we can talk about my "mid-life crisis" later), if the second half is going to be anything like the first, it's going to kick ass.

I know how lucky I am. I do.