Me and my shadow...

A few months ago, on the phone to my mom, I said "we slept in today." My mom said, "WE??" (As in, who is this other person that is a "we" that you've neglected to mention until just this very minute?) The we I referred to was me and my Lulu dog. I don't let men spend the whole night because I don't like to cook breakfast or make morning small talk. And if I did, I probably wouldn't drop it on my mother so casually.

Last week, a friend pointed out that I am "we" with my dog in a way that I've never been with a person, a love, a guy. Then I stumbled across this article on Salon, which puts the woman/dog relationship in such beautiful perspective it made me feel like I knew the person who wrote it because she could be me:

"Tova and I became a "we": We’re moving in the spring; we sleep late on Sundays; we favor cafés with outdoor patios. I’d never been a "we" with anyone else: There had been me and there had been him, and there had always been more him than me. Love meant indulgence. But all those times I made Tova sit for her supper, all those tussles in the dog park that I broke up, all those moments I pulled her to my heel and let the squirrels go by—that was love."
(from "My best relationship is with my dog" by Laura Bogart, Salon.com) 

Like Bogart, I have considered that I might be using my dog as armor, as another reason not to get too attached to another person in my life. An excuse not to make room for someone else. Considered, then dismissed. This is what I want from my life right now. I love the simplicity. I'm rarely lonely, and if I am, it's only for a fleeting second. I listen to friends talk about their relationships and, rather than making me wistful and wonder why I avoid intimacy, it makes me grateful for the every day that I have right now. It's easy to live in the moment when you don't have to work to maintain a marriage or long-term relationship. My dog is not a "stepping stone" to a "real" relationship. In fact, I have made real and lasting connections with other people because of my dog; being out and about with her makes it easy to talk to strangers. She makes it easy for my introvert self to put on the extrovert cloak for a while, gives me a reason to smile at people I pass on the street, and she's a hell of a social dog, which makes it harder for me to be antisocial.

I never thought I would be a dog person. And now I can't imagine not having mine in my life. And this, this one line from Bogart's piece after meeting her dog, brought me back to the cold November night in 2008 when I met my little one for the first time and she buried her tiny face in my neck and I was a goner: "I have no idea what I’m in for, but I’ve never been more certain of anything."

What I do when I'm not here...

Not as much as you'd think. I went to a comedy festival last month and wrote about it for The Austinot. Actually, I turned a review of the festival into a weird observation about comedians and mental illness and why I like comedians.

I read a lot of books over a long holiday weekend. I would list them here, but I can't remember all. Here are some:

Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler (so good)

The Middlesteins: A Novel by Jami Attenberg (also good, heartbreakingly so...)

The Writing Life by Annie Dillard (my third or fourth re-read)

American Wife: A Novel by Curtis Sittenfeld (it's been on my list foreverrrr and she has a new one coming soon)

I am leaving off books I began and stopped reading because I lost interest. I never used to to do that; I really felt the need to finish a book even if it was bad, but now I feel like life is too short to waste time hoping something will magically get better. Also I add books to my Kindle wish list faster than I can read them. 

Watched a lot of television. It seems counter-intuitive, but I read almost as much as I watch TV. I watched the entire fourth season of Arrested Development. It was fun. I liked it. I'm not a critic. It broke my streak of binge-watching everything in the category of TV Shows That Have Been Canceled Even Though They Are Really Fucking Good. Like Fringe. And Alphas. And Touch (actually I'm cool with this one if Keifer is going back to the world of 24; also never really want to hear him say "Jake" or "sweetheart" a thousand times every episode again).

What else? I had brunch a couple of times. Dim sum. Sat on my back deck and watched a monster thunderstorm with big rain and hail one Friday night. Canceled my Match.com membership (see also: life is too short to waste time hoping something will magically get better) . Watched my adorable neighbors' adorable cats while they did adorable things in Switzerland (and brought me chocolate because they are...adorable). Sent my mom chocolate-covered strawberries. Went to the dermatologist expecting to have things removed and had nothing to be removed (see also: developed crush on my dermatologist). Went to the farmer's market in the rain and returned home with fresh peaches and pruney feet. Had some really good dreams.

There's more in my navel to be examined. I miss you.

Money can't buy happy...

But it can bring on a smile or two. I went to the Austin Craft Riot Holiday Show last Sunday (teeming with crafty Austin Etsy artists) and got this sweet new collar for Lulu from LizzieBeesThings:

Today I share two favorite things...

Remember that post from August where I mentioned being happy on Dec. 31, 2010 (and then had a happiness dry spell until July)? It's okay if you don't. You can read it here. Or not.

I really just wanted to share what I look forward to every single day: Being in my bedroom, an hour or so before sleep, snuggled in my super comfy bed with my other favorite (not sure if she qualifies as "thing"), the Prettiest Puppy in the World, a.k.a. Sweet Girl, a.k.a. Lulu Tiny Dancer. She knows my routine at night (outside in yard one last time, inside to fill my nightstand water pitcher, turn off living room and dining room lights, plug in my iPod to sync podcasts, grab a "night-night" bone) and runs upstairs about 5 minutes before I do.


This is what that looks like. This is where I keep my (paper) notebook. This is where I've had some of my best ideas. This is what gives me peace no matter what's going on in my life. The thread count matters. I have special Texas Lavender linen spray that I get at the Farmer's Market. At least once a day, it's the most soothing place in the world. And right now I'm happy just thinking about it.

Happy now.

Now.

Today I believe in happiness...

After a marvelous weekend that began with a Saturday morning trip to another farmer's market (there are many in Austin) as I kept my eye on the cloudy skies, hoping the weather wasn't being a tease again.

It wasn't. I spent the rest of the weekend enjoying the sound of rain outside, reading some new pages of a friend's book in progress, catching up on more "Doctor Who" (the first David Tennant season), napping and being a bit lazy. I steamed lovely tamales from the Farmer's Market for dinner (chicken mole and spinach/caramelized onion).


I happily spent Saturday evening watching television and drowsing off to the sound of rain on the roof. Sunday morning felt like Christmas morning, waking up before dawn to thunder, lightning and more (!) rain. For those of you outside of Texas, I am not usually obsessed with rain. I am currently obsessed with rain because we haven't had any significant rainfall in Austin since MARCH. March, people, and if you've never seen what a drought looks like I'll sum it up: depressing as shit. Brown lawns, brown leaves, brown trees, yards turned to dust and dirt, highways lined with brown grass. Oh, and there's the fires that happen spontaneously because everything turned to kindling over the dry summer.

On this wonderful Sunday morning there were puddles everywhere and it was raining so hard the puppy wouldn't go outside (but the front porch was just fiiine...). I trekked to Starbuck (happily in the rain), got my usual gigantic (trenta) iced coffee and settled in to work on some copy and line editing. The rain let up long enough for me to walk the dog and it was wonderfully cool and breezy. I wore a hoodie.

My point...if you're expecting me to lead you to one...I had several in-the-moment-I'm-happy-right-now pauses throughout the weekend. Just for the little things. Like tamales. And rain. And my dog's third birthday (my sweet Lulu went from this to this in such a short time!). I'm happy right now.

And now.

Now.

Today I am happy because...

Despite having lowered the bar quite a bit when it comes to the heat of summer (Austin Summer 2011 = 76 consecutive days of 100+ degree temperatures and makes summer in Charleston seem like a breeze), I am happy that the highs are just 95 or 96 now and the lows at night are dipping into the 60s. I get stupid happy when the sun goes down, just thinking that fall is around the corner (two months or more around, but around all the same).

After being in Austin for nearly two years, I finally visited a local farmer's market (something I used to do regularly in Charleston because I lived within bicycle-riding distance of Marion Square). I went with my friend Lisa on Saturday and it was wonderful. Besides fresh arugula, onions, artisan fig balsamic vinegar, rustic bread and lavender, I also bought lovely ginger lemongrass soy candles and handmade "dope" soap that smells a but like pot and patchouli.

Also on Saturday? Almost 30 minutes of rain. Enough to stand in it and get wet. It's been eight months since any significant rainfall in Central Texas. I'd forgotten how magical rain can be and how great it smells when it rains, what thunder sounds like, and what it feels like to be rained upon. Adored every minute.

I hate labels and the tendency to refer to myself in the third person, but having a name for what I thought was something I'd have to live with and accept forever is a blessing. I get to choose whether or not I do something about it or keep it. Sometimes having the power is just enough and sitting on the sidelines instead of participating is a choice, not a punishment.

I woke up this morning, got out of bed, and went to work at my day job. I thought I'd add this to the list because I have had some days over the past several months for which "got out of bed" was the first and only item on my gratitude list. Happy to add more to that sentence.

I don't have to apologize for anything today. I am happy that fall television has begun and am not ashamed that I plan to spend most of the week watching new shows just for fun. I am also in the middle of a book ( The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta) and an entire season of "Doctor Who" that I borrowed from a friend (the Christopher Eccleston, or 9th doctor, season). I didn't watch the roast of Charlie Sheen. I didn't watch Ashton Kutcher on "Two and a Half Men." I've never liked the show and I'm not sorry.

What are you happy about or not sorry for? I know there's something. Share!

Sometimes you have to go looking for it....

There have been a few times in the past couple of years when I've tried to remember the last time I felt happy and couldn't do it. It makes me sad just to say that, to say that I had no memory of those moments when you stop and suddenly realize, "I am happy." I could say I was surviving, that I was getting by, that I was making it through the day, that I was productive, that I carried on, that I kept my chin up...but happy?

A few weeks ago I was talking to my BFF from back home and recalling going home for the holidays, how wonderful it felt to be with my family and friends, how great I slept in my mom's guest room, how loved I felt. And when I returned home, after a two-day drive, to my roommate packing up to stay the night at her daughter's house (it was New Year's Eve) and how I had to hold back shrieks of pure joy that I was going to have the house to myself and a quiet night and a shower and clean sheets and my cat and my dog curled up in my warm bed...and I realized it was JULY and the last time I could remember being happy was in fucking JANUARY (well, technically December 31). It made me sad, but before the pity could kick in, I took a giant step back and asked myself, "have you been looking?"

I hadn't. I'd been so consumed with surviving that I was failing to thrive. In pediatric medicine, this is something infants can die from: failure to thrive. It can also be applied to adults, mostly geriatric. I wondered when I became such a grown up that I forgot to look for the joy. One doesn't need freedom from worry to be happy - or money, or the perfect job, or any job, or confidence, or all of the other things on my crazy mental checklist that I waited for so I could finally thrive again.

Granted, in the past couple of months I have been able to cross a few things off that list. I have a roommate to take some of the pressure of the bills off and a new job that I really like, which means a regular paycheck every two weeks. But I was still holding back, still denying myself, still insisting on frugality, refusing to spend a penny on anything I deemed "unnecessary."

Last Saturday, I went to lunch with the roommate and a friend and we stopped at a big box store afterward so the roommate could return something. I found myself wandering the school supplies aisles with my friend, exclaiming over pencil cases and notebooks and gel pens. I had a wonderful sense memory smelling a box of crayons. I remembered that the best thing about the new school year when I was a kid was the new school supplies: a brand new notebook, pens, pencils, a binder (or if I was lucky, a Trapper Keeper, pink - and damn, do they make cooler ones now), paper and dividers and pencil cases. And the waxy smell of crayons.

Standing there, in the middle of rows and rows of Hello Kitty notebooks and pencil sharpeners and multi-packs of pens and wide-ruled filler paper, I realized this was me being happy. Feeling joy. Remembering the possibilities that came with a new school year. Thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead of me now. And I bought that box of crayons. Even if I never use them, I am going to keep them on my desk at home to remind me of what possibility really feels like. Possibility smells like a new box of crayons.

What makes my heart happy...

This week:
* I'm going to be on vacation after today for a whole week and plan on at least three of those days being without email, cell phone, or any connection to the outside world. It's not a cool trip to Alaska or anything, just a bid to get my creative mojo working again.
* The Heroes premiere is tonight. Yes, I am all geeked out about a television show.
* I have a giant stack of books to take with me, including The Mistress’s Daughter by A.M. Homes, There’s A Slight Chance I Might Be Going To Hell by Laurie Notaro, Varieties of Disturbance: Stories by Lydia Davis, and The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel. And if I run out of books before vacation is over, Sabrina let me borrow The Last Days of Dead Celebrities by Mitchell Fink (morbidly fascinating, I know, but I can't help it).
* Girls' weekend in Savannah. Three girls, four days, you fill in the rest.

What one does when one finishes a book manuscript in just under three months...

I finished it on Friday afternoon and sent it all to my editor. And then I did the following:
1. Cry (happy tears).
2. Giggle my ass off.
3. Schedule a 90-minute massage for early Saturday morning.
4. Go home, sleep, wake up for an hour, go back to sleep.
5. Get massage. Feel human and amazing enough to grocery shop at Whole Foods following massage.
6. Eat lovely roast beast sam from Whole Foods Deli for lunch.
7. Sleep, an excellent nap with no fits or guilt or jerking awake.
8. Wake up, call BFF, go shopping at mall.
9. Return home and wonder what to do with free time. Decide to watch Shortbus (loved it; incredible, riveting, shocking...but would not recommend to the even slightly prudish).
10. Feel inspired and write essay for May issue even though I promised to stay off computer for 24 hours.
11. Wake up early Sunday morning with the whole day stretching in front of me like a lovely giant yawn. Eat cereal in bed, go back to sleep until noon.
12. Spend balance of day washing clothes, cleaning house, going through weeks of mail, and calling much-neglected friends.

Now that I know I can do this book thing, I've got three or four more ideas rolling around that I might put to the test in the next few months. For now, I'm not jumping into anything else too quickly. I have a long overdue haircut scheduled for Tuesday and lots of parties to take my new party dresses to this weekend.

What makes my heart happy...

My book editor offered a (completely unsolicited) extra six days for me to work on finishing the second half of my manuscript. I'm a stickler about deadlines and would never have dreamed of asking for an extension, even if the last chapter killed me, but my book editor is awesome and must have ESP because she just made my week.

Michael brought over jambalaya for dinner that was so good it made me want to ask him to be my lawful wedded wife, but I refrained. We watched a documentary on Charles Busch (The Lady in Question) instead. "I hate this house! I hate these walls... I hate that sofa! The only part of this dump that doesn't make me puke is that door - because that's the way I'm gettin' out!" ~Angela Arden

I get to see my favorite Aleigh in Savannah this weekend. Since I promised not to talk her out of getting married (which wasn't hard, since her fiance is a gem and a catch and a charmer), I get to be her break from talkin' 'bout the wedding stuff. Al and I generate a lot of creative energy together and I always end up with pages of scribbled ideas from our visits.

I think I'll be ready for the roller derby in about a year if I keep roller skating once a week. Adult skate, Thursday evenings, 6:30 to 8:30, Hotwheels James Island. $3 for admission AND skate rental. I'm skipping this Thursday, but will be back on wheels April 5. Janet, Katie, Leigh and I had a lot of fun last week (YES all my friends have blogs) because it's so very 80s and such a great feeling to pretend you're 13 again for a couple of hours. I leave you with two words: Side ponytails!